Can I Interest You in a Brand-New Sparkling Water Brand?

Hi, I’m wondering if I could interest you in a brand-new sparkling water brand. I don’t have a name for it, because it doesn’t yet exist. Every aspect of this product is still very early in the planning stage. But I can assure you that the name will probably be something fun and catchy, like Zoinks or Floop. Now that I hear it out loud, we’ll probably end up closer to Zoinks than Floop on the Zoinks-Floop Spectrum.

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you. Or at least what passes for honesty in my business. There will likely be nothing special about the water itself. It will essentially be the same water you’ve seen sold under different brand names but with one very significant difference: the name on the package. Also the color of the cans and also the design of the cans. Oh, the design! When you see the fonts and the graphics, when we finally make them, you might wonder, “Have I ever seen fonts and graphics put together exactly like this ever before?” I mean, probably, but if our design team does their job, the job I’ve tasked them to do, then seeing our cans on a grocery store shelf will trigger a transformative experience. You’ll stop in your tracks, mouth agape, eyes wide, tears possibly threatening to cascade down your face as you stare at the majesty and the promise, yes, the promise of Zoinks Water.

But will Zoinks give to charity? Will Zoinks be ecologically conscious? (Zoinks is really starting to grow on me. Feeling Zoinks in a big way right now.) You may ask whether Zoinks as a company is concerned with our carbon footprint, and I’m going to say yes to all of those things, because I think the answer “yes” is probably what you want to hear. Our research has shown you would love to feel that your choice of sparkling water at the grocery store makes a difference in the world around you and somehow makes the world a better place. That’s what you would love to believe. So let me just say, buying New Floop Sparkling Water—just trying it out to see if I miss Zoinks, and maybe I don’t—will do exactly that and more. Is that really true? I don’t know. Would you like to discuss the nature of truth? Because maybe the nature of truth is what we’re really talking about here? The truth, that is, about Floop.

Dammit, now I’m swinging back to Floop.

Real talk: Floop will feature combinations of fruits and botanicals you’ve never tasted before, you’ve never thought of before, that NO ONE has ever thought of before. Juniper-Gooseberry. Elderflower-Banana. Rhinestone-Lime. Durian-Manslaughter. Paper Clip-Sunshine. If some of those don’t sound like fruits or botanicals, remember that we’re still brainstorming Floop!—like it better with the exclam, seems more immediate—and there are no bad ideas. Speaking of ideas, how about the fact that Floinks comes in thirteen-ounce cans? An extra ounce of Floinks in the world’s first ergonomically correct can. Yeah, other cans hurt your hands. Did you know that? Not immediately, but eventually, over time, your hand will be damaged by those other cans because of the way they are designed. Because they’re not designed by a company that cares about you, about your health, about how we all fit together and work together on this big blue marble. We, the people, fit together perfectly like puzzle pieces. Or, more specifically, we fit together like your hand and the (patent-pending, lord-willing) ergonomically correct can of Floinks you are now holding—and all your friends are holding.

Look at all of you. Floinksing it up. Take a picture. Post it. Get those likes. Feels good, right? You should be proud of yourselves.

Wow! That sounds amazing. That sounds like something you would love to buy and tell your friends about. Heck, I want to buy one, and I work here. So, welcome to the future. It’s challenging and a little scary, but we can face it together, because Floinks has what you need. Or it will once we actually make it and can it and ship it and sell it. There’s a 30 percent chance it might be an energy bar or a diet supplement by then, but it’ll still be the same old Floinks you’ve always loved.

Oh, wait! Maybe it’s a pillow!