No matter how hard I try I can’t bring my wife to climax

DEAR DEIDRE: No matter how hard I try I can’t bring my wife to an orgasm.

All I want is for her to feel satisfied, and while she says she doesn’t mind, I feel awful that I can’t get her there.

I’m 32, my wife is 29 and we’ve been married for two years. 

Our relationship is amazing but it’s fair to say that our sex life has always been lacking. 

Until she met me, my wife hadn’t been intimate with anyone else, so she was very inexperienced when we first started sleeping together. 

While this didn’t bother me, I knew that it would take time for her to become fully comfortable during sex. 

At first, I didn’t expect her to reach a climax, but now years later it still hasn’t happened and I worry I’m doing something wrong. 

Every time we get intimate she assures me that she’s having a good time, but I feel guilty that I can’t give her the ultimate satisfaction. 

By now we’ve tried everything – foreplay, special lubes, different positions, various toys, and vibrators, but nothing seems to work.

The last thing I want to do is put pressure on her but I’m starting to worry that it could be something deeper.

Where am I going wrong?

DEIDRE SAYS: For most women pleasure begins in the brain, so if she’s constantly thinking about orgasming, it may be that she has difficulty letting go and enjoying the moment.

Instead of focusing on the climax, try to take the pressure off, and start appreciating your intimacy without fixating on the end goal. 

It’s likely as soon as you stop thinking about it, it’ll start to happen.

Encourage her to explore her own responses alone so that she can then guide you towards what works for her.

My support pack Orgasm For Women explains more. 

If you’re still having problems it may also help to see a sex therapist. Contact the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk, 020 8106 9635).