Below Deck Recap: Panini Problems
The lava cake gets out to the guests with no further eruptions, but Anthony goes to bed still feeling like a failure. At 1:50 a.m., King Ray asks Barbie for lobster grilled cheese. She explains that Anthony is asleep, so she can’t do lobster or any of the typical fried drunk foods they ask for, but will put some sandwiches together. This would be fine, except Barbie says she’s not a good chef and doesn’t know how to make french fries. I get wanting to keep expectations low, but that is not luxury service. The primary Carmen is angry and disrespectful, swearing that they better have some shit she likes. After that display, she’s lucky not to be served a literal shit sandwich.
Improvising in the galley, Barbie Googles how to make a BLT. Why she wouldn’t just make grilled cheese without lobster is beyond me. She enlists Kyle’s help and they struggle to turn on the stove. Barbie grew up with nannies who cooked and doesn’t even know how to make PB&J. Again, it’s in the name. There is nothing more to it. Basic cooking skills feels like it should be a prerequisite for a stew job. Also, we’ve seen boats in past seasons with frozen food for this sort of request. The season three frozen pizza oven fire will live forever in my brain instead of useful knowledge like how to multiply numbers over 10.
The next morning, Dylan goes to Xandi for advice. He wants to figure out who told Ben he was unhappy about Sunny’s promotion (we know it was Paris and Kyle). Xandi gives him solid advice to not try to find out who told but to go directly to Ben and apologize. Meanwhile, Ben makes the whole situation a million times worse by telling Sunny that Dylan is saying she got the position because they’re sleeping together. Ben finally does talk to Dylan, explaining what he should have before the promotion: Sunny knows the boat better, and it’s about attitude more than experience. Dylan says he’s sorry if he offended Ben in any way when the person he really should be apologizing to is Sunny.
At breakfast, again, it’s an issue that they don’t have ham alternatives because Carmen doesn’t eat pork. Anthony apologizes and explains they tried to order it but couldn’t get it in the Caribbean. Carmen says, “You’re forgiven,” which is not something you’d ever say at a restaurant and seems like a weird attempt at leaning into the reality TV drama of it all. Unfortunately, Anthony’s terrible day continues with a beach picnic. Fraser doesn’t want him cooking on the beach because he doesn’t want to do anything more challenging. Anthony initially agrees, then is low on time and decides to grill on the beach. Fraser is so mad they could probably grill on his forehead. Lunch is a half hour behind, and when the guests finally do get their food, they’re unimpressed by the mac and cheese. Carmen thinks he just cut up regular noodles. In a hilarious cut to earlier that day, we see Anthony literally breaking pasta in half because he didn’t have macaroni. Trying to be nice, Ben says it looks tasty. It decidedly does not.
Fraser tells Kerry lunch didn’t go well and Kerry says it’s time to start looking at resumes. He doesn’t mind giving guidance but doesn’t feel like Anthony’s learned. Fraser is further frustrated when he finds out Anthony is planning to do chicken for both dinner courses for Tiphanie, which will not fly. Fraser doesn’t have time to micromanage; he says he and Anthony need to come up with menus together after every preference sheet meeting. It’s ridiculous they weren’t already doing this, and it feels like it’s too late since Kerry’s already searching for a replacement.
The theme tonight is “movie premiere,” but the guests don’t have a unified view of what that means. Some are dressed as movie characters, while Brandon clearly forgot about a costume and claims at the last minute that his sparkly jacket is “late ‘90s Michael Jackson.” Ray and Carmen are the only ones actually dressed like they’re attending a premiere, but they’re sticking with the king and queen thing, which doesn’t track because the queen would never wear a strapless dress. The crew pretends to be paparazzi — a famously hated profession — and takes photos of the guests walking a red carpet. The decor is kind of cute, but I’m pretty sure I had those popcorn boxes at my 12th birthday party.
Before sending up the first dinner course, Fraser catches Anthony forgetting that there was no lettuce on the chicken Caesar “salad” for Tiphanie. They correct it, and for second course she just gets potato gratin, rivaling lunch’s mac and cheese for the saddest plate we’ve seen all season. Ray orders lobster grilled cheese for later, to which Anthony says, “Absolutely, sir.” He inexplicably makes turkey paninis instead and leaves them with Barbie. When she delivers them, Ray’s like, what is this “melted bullshit cheddar?” It’s 1:06 a.m., and Barbie decides to have Kyle wake Chef up. Anthony makes the lobster but goes full gaslight, claiming Ray only asked for grilled sandwiches, which are absolutely no one’s late night drunk food of choice.
On the deckhand front, rather than apologize to Sunny, Dylan says he’s knows it’s a lot of pressure, but she’s got this. This poor attempt at mindgames doesn’t faze Sunny. She says she knows he wanted to be the lead. Lying through his teeth, Dylan claims he doesn’t really care. They both don’t want to make an issue out of it, but even Dylan complimenting Sunny’s docking work seems condescending.
At the tip meeting I’m surprised to remember this was only Paris’s first charter. The tip is $17,250, the new lowest of the season. Fraser thinks it was indeed because of the food. Kerry calls him in to discuss and Fraser speaks in passive voice to avoid blame: “Preferences just weren’t really considered. The meals lost any sense of superior standard.” Kerry calls Anthony up next and tries to let him down easily, maybe even giving him a chance to quit, but Anthony’s in denial. Kerry says there’s more to being a great superyacht chef than just being an amazing chef. Anthony is stunned; he’s never been fired before. My heart breaks for him as he cries packing up in the galley. Fraser has a brief moment of guilt seeing the kindest chef he ever worked with in pain over “something he aided.” It doesn’t last long, though, because the job is more important to Fraser. Barbie’s worried about the next chef because “all chefs are batshit [crazy].” Kerry teases that it’s someone with experience — perhaps a returning cast member? It’s only been six charters, and the St. David has already lost three people. This casting approach of hiring people who won’t last the whole season is exhausting. I was really hoping Anthony would make it til the end. He says a tearful good-bye to everyone and in confessional vows to make a comeback, giving us a glimmer of hope.
En route to dinner for the night off, Kyle accessorizes with a precarious beer bottle in his shirt pocket. Barbie says he’s not allowed in her bed tonight. At the restaurant, Dylan and Sunny seem to bond over farming and she fake promises to visit his parents’ farm in South Africa. Ben doesn’t love getting a taste of his own flirty medicine.
Barbie and Kyle make eyes across the table and go for a talk. Kyle is not the modest, stable Jewish guy she’s looking to date. Worst of all, she doesn’t think her dad would support it. Kyle respects where she’s at, and tells us Barbie’s more high strung than the girls he usually goes for. It’s kind of nice they’re on the same page about each other’s vastly different levels of laid backness. Barbie admits she does have feelings for Kyle but is scared to act on them, so for now it’s just a game.
Speaking of games, 30-year-old Fraser starts Truth or Dare and immediately regrets it when Paris dares him to do a shoey. Dylan dares Barbie to pick a guy to make out with. This is Kyle’s moment! Except Barbie chooses to down her drink instead. Kyle dares Ben to swap clothes with Xandi. Her pants fit him disturbingly well.
Back on the boat, Dylan asks Sunny what’s going on with her and Ben. She downplays it, a fatal error that makes Dylan think he has a shot. He tries to kiss her over a burger in the crew mess (so romantic) and she swerves. Sunny is not doing that. He asks for at least a cheek kiss, and she wisely declines again, because we all know he was just going to move his face. Sunny, unlike Ben, doesn’t want to get involved with someone she’s supervising. More importantly, she hasn’t forgotten that he trash talked her behind her back. Despite what Dylan may have read online, negging doesn’t work.
Barbie goes back on her earlier word and asks Kyle to go to bed with her. We learn more about why she’s been hesitant: her mom is a sex therapist yet her dad is very conservative so she feels morally caught in the middle. As a naked Kyle gets off the top bunk, Barbie mutters, “My dad is gonna murder me.” They then move to the bathroom for privacy. She tells us she’s falling for him because he’s been her rock this whole time. I would love to get a director’s commentary-like cut of the show with Barbie’s dad’s reactions.
The Cleaning Adventures of Paris and Xandi
• Xandi picked up a guest’s nipple pasty, unsure if it was reusable.
• Paris’s ex-boyfriend cheated on her with his ex, then that girl stole her clothes and posted photos wearing them.
• Xandi is anti-tipping: “I didn’t order gratuity.”
• Paris, re: the guys on the boat: “Nah, I’m good.”
• The girls found a mystery reddish stain on a pillow. Xandi: “All bodily fluids look the same at some point, don’t they?”