Like Baby Reindeer’s Donny I was stalked. This is what it feels like

As my phone bleeped, signalling a text message had arrived, I started to shake and a familiar sense of dread appeared in my stomach. 

When I reluctantly clicked on it, I read the words in horror.   

It was the latest in a long line of texts from my ex-boyfriend threatening to kill himself if I didn’t take him back.  

With Baby Reindeer shining a light on what it is like to be stalked, I want to share my experience.

It was May 2018 when that text came through and, aged 19, I had broken up with my boyfriend Riagain Granger, a 22-year-old film director. 

Riagain was charming when we met in the same college class doing our A-levels. Yet when we started going out, it didn’t take long for me to realise that he could be controlling and needed constant attention.  

He’d turn up on my girls’ nights out, suddenly appearing at the bar when I was ordering a drink. 

When we finished college, he told me he wanted to go to Liverpool University and I applied to Salford, to study film production. 

It was only after I was accepted that he announced that he had actually applied there too and was going to be on the same course. 

It was all too possessive for me, so I decided to end our two-year relationship. 

I first tried to break up with him in person at his own flat, before we went to university, but he wouldn’t let me. 

Refusing to accept it was over, he’d come up to me at university and act like we were still together. I had to tell him over and over that we were no longer a couple. 

He started bombarding me with hundreds of daily phone calls and texts, telling me he loved and missed me. 

For the first couple of days, I answered and asked him to stop calling but soon, I was so overwhelmed, even my family stepped in to speak to him on my behalf. 

But he refused to leave me alone. Instead, he started sending threats, insisting that he would kill himself if I didn’t get back together with him, saying he was going to self harm, or do something to injure himself in front of my student flat.    

I was terrified he was going to hurt himself and felt guilty and responsible for causing so much upset. I even took him to hospital, as I was so worried about his mental health. 

But gradually, I realised he was trying to guilt-trip me into getting back with him. And although I felt bad for ending our relationship, I knew I had done the right thing for me. So I tried cutting all contact. 

When his barrage of messages refused to relent, I felt I had no choice but to alert the police. 

He was given a formal harassment warning after he attempted to break into my student flat in June 2018 – but then nothing else happened. 

He followed me home and broke into the building but did not know what flat I was in. It was terrifying and I knew I needed help. 

The student accommodation gave the police CCTV of him jumping the back fence to get into my apartment building. 

However, even the police warning wasn’t enough to stop him. He still bombarded me with calls and texts, using multiple fake social media accounts to harass me. 

He sent me pictures of myself, walking around the university or town. Knowing he was following me was terrifying. I had no idea what he was capable of. 

I felt helpless, unable to do anything except keep reporting everything he did to the police. There was one week I contacted them every single day. But rather than taking my fears seriously, I was told I was being overly dramatic and treated as an inconvenience. 

Officers told me not to return home if I was scared, but I had nowhere else to go. They replied that if it was that bad, to try a domestic violence shelter. 

It was so uncaring and I didn’t feel listened to. 

In June 2018, I tried to get a non-molestation order against him, but it was never issued as police did not know where he was living, as he was moving back and forth from Manchester to Northern Ireland. 

I felt so helpless, and completely isolated.

My nerves were in tatters and I’d sob myself to sleep every night. I was terrified to pick up my phone, physically jumping whenever a message came through. Anxious and depressed, I stayed home rather than go to university, in case I saw him in person. 

My ordeal finally came to an end at the end of October 2018, when he got another girlfriend, Charlotte Burns, who also went to our university.

The messages just stopped overnight. But, as I didn’t know if they would start up again, fear continued to follow me everywhere. 

When Charlotte ended their relationship, she suffered the same consequences.  

Yet, it was only when a third woman reported that he had stalked her after she rejected him, that he was finally arrested, charged and eventually sentenced to two and a half years in prison.

He pleaded guilty to stalking the most recent victim, after both Charlotte and I agreed to testify against him in court as witnesses. 

But even with the knowledge that he was behind bars, l still struggled with the psychological impact of the ordeal. I suffered insomnia, nightmares and felt constantly on edge. 

Knowing he was in prison felt like some sort of justice, but it was frustrating that it took so long – and that two other women had had to go through what I did. 

Charlotte told me in February this year that he had been released from prison, which if true, means he only served a year of his sentence.

I still suffer from PTSD and knowing that he is free has only increased my anxiety, especially if I am alone.  

I find myself constantly planning an escape route just in case I see him. I feel like I have a constant worry of ‘what if?’ What if he follows me, what if he finds me… 

I can’t sleep. If someone goes to hug me, I can’t stand physical contact. 

I want to urge anyone in the same situation to report it to the police, in the hope that someday, stalking – and women – will be taken seriously.

As told by Louisa Gregson.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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