HR Pulls Your Kid in for a Performance Improvement Plan on Take Your Child to Work Day
Hey there, Kinzleigh. Take a seat by my desk, crisscross applesauce. As you may know, this year’s Take Your Child to Work Day coincides with our annual performance review period. We felt it would be right for all employees to be reviewed, no matter how long they’ve been with us or how many teeth they have lost.
Unfortunately, Kinzleigh, after speaking to your manager, a.k.a. “Daddy,” we will need to put you on a PIP, or performance improvement plan.
To begin with, you haven’t joined any of your Sexual Harassment or Diversity in the Workplace live Zoom trainings, even though we forced everyone back into the office five days a week three years ago. We were disappointed, Kinzleigh, as one of the main reasons we recruited you so hard for Take Your Child to Work Day was your ability to bring a lively attitude to Zoom calls, particularly with your past Zoom Call Interrupter role experience from when your dad worked from home.
You also haven’t met any of your midday quotas. Approximately how many cold calls have you made to potential clients? The only thing we’ve seen you do on your company phone is stream Bluey episodes. So, not only have you not met your quotas, but we’ve also had to write you up for misuse of company property.
As far as timelines go, we need to hit the playground running. We’re going to be expecting improvement immediately. We’ll be setting up a check-in meeting for today at noon, 2 p.m., and 4 p.m. to ensure you’re hitting your progress goals. I know children like you are good at active listening and maintaining attention, so really live up to your reputation here, okay?
The good news, Kinzleigh, is that we still believe in you. So, here’s how we’re going to get you back on the choo-choo tracks. First, we will start counting how many times you accidentally call Tina from accounting “Mom.” The goal is zero times a day, but because of your behavior, we will be lenient with five.
Next, have you seen how your colleague Hudson uses his inside voice when he is inside? There have been dozens of reported times that you have what we consider an “outside voice” when you are inside our office, and it’s been disturbing the important spreadsheets we create. We’ll be measuring how many decibels your speaking voice registers for the next six hours to ensure it’s within the inside voice threshold. Try to imagine how quiet you are when there’s a lockdown drill at your school and do that moving forward.
Finally, we have received complaints that you have accused colleagues of having cooties. Despite cooties not being a legitimate medical condition, you cannot commit HIPAA violations like this any longer.
Circling back to the ramifications of the PIP, you’re not getting grounded per se. Just because you didn’t update your timesheet, I’m pretty sure you can still go to Samantha’s sleepover this weekend. You haven’t been all bad during your three hours here. It’s been great how you’ve been picking up after yourself, even if you have to sing the “Clean-Up Song” to make yourself do it. Some people here have had food on their desks longer than you’ve been alive.
Listen, Kinzleigh, I don’t want you to think this is the end of the road. Tons of Take Your Child to Work Day employees like yourself made it out on the other side of a PIP. Take our superstar, Brayden, for example. See him talking quarterly earnings over by the water cooler? You should have seen him a year ago. He was a mess. Showed up his first day wearing a PAW Patrol T-shirt—our office is smart casual, but c’mon—and barged into a C-suite meeting saying he needed a “nap.” We love Brayden. And in fifteen years, when he graduates college, he will have a job here waiting for him. Don’t you want the same? That’s why it’s so important to make connections and work hard now, Kinzleigh, or you’ll be left behind.
Hey, hey, no, no, sweetie. Don’t cry—at least not too loud. People are working. You should feel lucky you don’t have to come back tomorrow like the rest of us. But I do expect to see you bright and early at the Memorial Day picnic, ready to work.