'I don’t know what to do anymore and I feel my resentment toward my husband growing by the day. Isn’t he supposed to take care of me too? Why can’t he help himself?'

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

My husband and I migrated to America from the Philippines in search of a better life for our kids.

Although we lived comfortably in Manila, we felt life in the Philippines was no longer the kind of life we wanted for our kids.  We knew about the pains and struggles of immigrants. Or at least we thought we did. It turned out to be a shock to our system, mine and my husband’s.

And what I optimistically thought would just be adjustment pains now seem to be challenges brought about by more fundamental issues in our marriage and our person.  My husband was not as lucky as I was to find a job here that he likes or can stand.

So four years ago, he opted to be the stay at home parent for our three young kids. Initially, I was happy with this arrangement because the cost of child care here is impossible for modest middle class people like us. But in recent years, it has become increasingly obvious that even the tasks of child minding and taking care of the house are onerous for him.

I think he may be suffering from depression but he refuses to seek professional help. I know the kids are suffering as well because of what’s happening at home. So much for giving them a better life in America.

I don’t know what to do anymore and I feel my resentment toward my husband growing by the day. Isn’t he supposed to take care of me too? Why can’t he help himself? We have discussed divorce a few times already. Sometimes, I think about just walking out on my husband and taking the kids with me.

But when I start to think about who would help me take care of the kids so I could continue working, then it almost doesn’t seem like a better arrangement than what I have today. We’ve tried marriage counseling. I’m seeing a therapist. Nothing seems to work. I just feel so lost and alone.

What can I do?

Sincerely, Patty

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Dear Patty,
As you have clearly discovered, emigration is not necessarily the solution to all one’s problems. In your case, adapting to a new country has been beset by the unexpected – a husband (let’s call him Jim) who first was unable to hold down a job and then it seems that even the daily tasks of a househusband are beyond him as well.

To make matters worse, his refusal to seek help erodes any sympathy his mental health issues might otherwise engender.

So what are your options? If Jim continues to reject therapy, remains depressed and increasingly cannot fulfill his duties as a househusband, you are in danger of finding that his shortcomings will begin to erode your ability to function successfully as the sole breadwinner, not to mention the continuing adverse effect on your children.

You have considered and rejected leaving Jim because this would leave you a single parent and impact adversely on your ability to provide for yourself and your children.

However, you are not that far from being a single parent already, plus you also have the burden of a non-functioning husband living on your hands.

Would threatening to leaving Jim again push him to seek treatment? But to ensure that any threat you make will actually have teeth, first you need to explore further the practicalities of separation and your childcare problem.

Your fallback position is that you can always return to the Philippines.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Patty:

Thank you very much for your letter.

It is clear, and given the complexity of your problem, it is concise and to the point. It is also written by a person who knows how to keep her anger, even outrage, in check. That is a wonderful skill when doing your job at work. It is not necessarily what you need right now.

I can practically hear you seething: “This is NOT what I signed up for when I got married! “In sickness and in health,” yes, but not when this ‘sickness” means not lifting a finger to help me and our children! Surely even the most depressed of people can clean house and make meals?!!?

“Your depression is not severe enough to warrant medication, an indication being that you are still able to discuss the possibility of divorce, for example. If you are not THAT depressed, it means you can do the minimum tasks being a house husband requires, so why don’t you?!!?”

Oh, Patty. It is understandable that you feel this way. Anyone in your situation would probably feel the same. So… acknowledge your anger. Explore what about it has basis, and what aspects of it might be unfair. See if you can leach it out of you with your therapist, because otherwise, it will seep into your relationship with Jim.

If you cannot “understand your anger away,” then tell him about it (but not in a way that ratchets up your anger). Then you are still taking the first step at good communication – being honest about your true feelings – feelings he probably picks up anyway, thus making him even more depressed.

If you share how you truly feel, it may encourage him to explore feelings he didn’t realize he had (devastation because he had to accept the American ethos is beyond him?) This way, you can be a team once more, aiming for the same goals, instead of on opposite sides, licking your wounds. This will not make his depression, or your sadness/frustration, go away, but it might make it less. Again, at least you will be on the same team, and no longer withdrawing from each other.

All will not be solved, but together, maybe you can make better decisions for the family. Not necessarily the bigger ones which will take more time and consideration – such as where do we go from here – but definitely the smaller ones, like what can we do tomorrow to make life simpler, less fraught, less walking-on-eggs for the day.

My very best wishes,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.