Exclusive! Almira Gulch Endorses Kristi Noem for VP

Kristi Noem wrapped up the Almira Gulch vote. Some other constituencies remain skeptical.

In her new book No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We Move America Forward, South Dakota’s governor tells the story of bringing an “untrainable,” “less than worthless” Wirehaired Pointer that she “hated” to a gravel pit to shoot in the head.

Why not reveal you give out carrots on Halloween or volunteer “Yoko Ono” as your favorite Beatle?

Along with commercials ostensibly promoting her state that air frequently on cable news, this book she undoubtedly envisioned as a springboard to a place on the national Republican ticket. It surely would become her Dreams from My Father or Conscience of a Conservative; alas, no.

Sharing that she put down 14-month-old Cricket, which had killed a friend’s chickens and ruined a hunting expedition, ostensibly illustrated Noem’s ability to make tough choices. It really showcased a disconnect between her and the country she had hoped to if not lead then at least wait to lead as Donald Trump’s running mate. No Going Back, indeed.

How much do Americans love dogs?

Puppy Bowl XX reached an audience of 12.6 million viewers to become the most watched non-sports program on Super Bowl Sunday in February. More Americans own a pet than a gun. Dogs, the most popular pet, belong as part of the family in 65 million homes (44.5 percent of all U.S. households). Dog owners estimated in one survey that they spend an average of $4,512 annually in food, purchasing/adoption fees, veterinary care, and other expenses for their pets. If that number seems high, then consider the many companies vying for a market share of this product that did not exist 50 years ago when you google “dog ice cream.”

Noem’s book also revealed a startling unfamiliarity with American political history. Dogs can make a politician’s life ruff or paw-some.

Franklin Roosevelt famously ridiculed Republican attacks on “my little dog Fala” following rumors that he turned a naval destroyer around to retrieve his pet, which he left on one of the Aleutian Islands. George H.W. Bush’s English Springer Spaniel authored a memoir, which cynics claim was ghostwritten, called Millie’s Book that reached the top of the New York Times bestsellers’ list.

Lyndon Johnson, who bore a familial resemblance to his Beagles, scandalized animal lovers by picking Him (guess what he named the female of the pair) up by the ears. Joe Biden’s German Shepherd, Commander, exited the White House after reports surfaced of 24 known biting incidents, at least one of which resulted in stitches.

Noem seems not have learned from the past by revealing she did her dog the way Tuddy Cicero did Tommy DeVito in Goodfellas (remember: man’s best friend, not woman’s best friend). Though she could not rehabilitate her puppy, she might rehabilitate her political reputation by calling for an abolition of dog sufferage through dog suffrage. If Starbucks can offer Puppuccinos and one can send the family canine to any number of dog resorts and spas, then certainly dogs casting ballots claims support of some segment of the population above that which approves squatter’s rights but below that which wants to defund National Public Radio.

In an earlier, perhaps less sensitive age, Theodore Roosevelt and his son Kermit hunted 512 animals on a post-presidency safari that included 18 lions, 12 elephants, and nine black rhinoceroses. Still, people loved animals in 1910, and a backlash caused the former president to publicly defend his lengthy African trip upon his return. Jimmy Carter famously fended off an aquatic “killer rabbit,” i.e., a regular rabbit sensationalized by the press, that made him the butt of jokes.

If only TR had hunted Golden Retrievers or Jimma had used his oar to splash away a Corgi, then they, too, might have suffered Noem’s fate in the political doghouse. As George Orwell informed, some animals are more equal than others.

The one most equal, the 37th president learned when his spot as the 34th president’s running mate looked imperiled, is dogs.

Richard Nixon saved his place on the Republicans’ 1952 ticket through his “Checkers” speech, in which he insisted that, whatever the outcome of the accusations that he accepted donations from supporters for a personal slush fund, he planned to keep the Cocker Spaniel gifted his family. Kristi Noem obliterated any chance of serving as Donald Trump’s running mate by overlooking the lesson of Checkers and instead announcing checkmate on poor Cricket.

Snoop Dogg, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and Glenn “Big Dog” Robinson do not approve.

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