Why You Must Listen to the Dune: Part Two Soundtrack at Your Uncle Tim’s Wedding
Your dummy Uncle Tim is getting married at sixty-four. His wedding is sure to be a bore. But have no fear, because when those church bells go ringing and Tim’s at the altar smooching, you’ll be in the third row bumping your head, earbuds in, listening to those Dune tunes. Dune: Part Two tunes to be precise. Man, oh man, does Hans Zimmer rock it with those Dune tunes. Guitar riffs and sonic booms. He takes you straight to Dune, riding sandworms in the heat of noon.
Later, when you go to that buffoon Uncle Tim’s reception, and you’re sitting at the rejects table, with all the kids and the goons, you’ll be swinging around a spoon while listening to those Dune tunes. Because the spoon’s a sword and Harkonnens are raiding your ship. All aboard! And the kids will stare and laugh, but you’ll be too busy watching Paul Atreides’s back. Paul’s the chosen one, that’s for sure. Just ask Stilgar and the desert ladies. Hail Atreides!
And when the waiter comes, you don’t need no drink. You’re rocking that stillsuit, which turns urine (tinkle tink) into water, which pours into your nose, because you’re on Dune, dancing under the free moon with Chani and the boys and Gurney Halleck. Zoom, zoom.
And boom, your Uncle Tim has a speech. Sweating into his collar as he gabs about his boring new wife, Laura Feech. But Tim’s a chump and you’ve got him beat. On Dune, you’re dating Lady Jessica and sweet Jesus is she neat. For this Bene Gesserit (a type of witch—eek!), talking to the baby in her womb makes life complete.
You’re mumbling your love to Lady Jessica as you wait in the bathroom line, getting stared at by your smelly cousin Bill Kline. Yuck, he smells. Worse than the Harkonnen pits. You turn up those Dune tunes, so his stench won’t give you fits.
Later, on the dance floor, all your family will loom, watching as you’re thrusting out of tune, because you’re still on Dune, hanging with Paul Atreides in the afternoon. You’re his best friend, and you’re raiding that spice harvester soon. Got to stick it to those Harkonnens and put the stinky Emperor in his tomb. Got to get the Baron and that hunky Feyd-Rautha too.
When you drive that blade into Feyd’s heart and scream, you’ll be feeling so high, like you’re in a dream. You’ll dig your hands into the wedding cake. Chowing faster than a sandworm in the middle of a meat plate. Tim and his boring wife, Laura, will freak out. That stink head Bill Kline will be screaming, “Get him out!”
But you’ll be flipping tables, breaking glasses. That sad sack Tim will be so mad he’ll want to spew. Too bad you’ll just be slaying Harkonnen and yelling yabba-dabba-Dune! Because Paul Atreides beat the bad guys, and now he’ll save the masses. To you, that’s sweeter than sugar plus molasses. You’ll be spinning across the room, swinging your arms like an oar. Dune tunes rocking full tilt. Isn’t this what Uncle Tim’s wedding is for?
When security gets called, you won’t be appalled. You’ll get on that sandworm and bump past the waiter that’s bald. You’ll grab some shrimps and taters and scraps for the road. You’ll be running with Gurney Halleck and Paul Atreides and Chani in tow. Hell yeah. Let’s go!