We’re Raising Your Auto Insurance Because You Insist on Driving Your Car

Dear Policyholder,

As your automobile insurance carrier, we want to thank you for your continued trust in NOTONUS. We regret to inform you that we have elected to raise your rate—a difficult decision, but one that we feel is justified given the considerations outlined below.

Reasons for your premium increase are as follows:

• Driving Record
• Repeatedly engaging in the extremely dangerous behavior of getting in your car and driving it around.
• Putting your car at risk of being crushed under thousands of pounds of lumber and drywall by parking it nightly in a climate-controlled garage.
• You have an elevated risk of distracted driving due to a condition that you failed to disclose (literacy).
• We had to call you thirteen times in a row to get you to answer our phone call.
• You recklessly answered our phone call while operating your vehicle.
• Your consistent compliance with all traffic laws and your total absence of any moving violations suggests a rigid, child-like adherence to authority and an inability to appeal to higher ethical principles in the face of a moral dilemma.
• So much honking reluctance. Just honk, man.

Automobile Characteristics:

• Your vehicle has blind-spot detection, lane assistance, and several other perilously distracting beepy doodads.
• Your speedometer goes all the way up to a tantalizing 120 mph.
• You repeatedly take your vehicle in for tune-ups, oil changes, and tire rotations, which begs the question: What in God’s name is wrong with your car?

Financial Considerations:

• We need to stay competitive with other carriers that are raising rates in order to stay competitive with carriers like us who are raising rates.
• We realized the phrase “low premium” is an oxymoron.
• To continue providing you with top-notch service, we need to do some long-overdue self-care, so we’re splurging on our corporate retreat this year and bringing everyone to Disney World.
• It is getting more and more expensive for us to mail you thousands of bills and statements even though you signed up for paperless three years ago.
• Our car insurance premiums are going up too. (Speeding tickets…These speedometers—it’s like they’re daring you.)
• We figured you were sick of seeing the same old number on your bill every month.
• We thought you’d get a kick out of opening your next bill and seeing “$6,969.69”
• Sure, staying at a Disney resort and visiting all four parks is already pretty expensive, but if we don’t buy Genie+ for everyone then we can’t use the Lightning Lane entrances at all the good rides, and we’ll spend the whole trip waiting in long lines with plebs like you (no offense) and that’s not exactly our idea of stress relief.
• The more money we charge you now, the more we can withhold from you later. Does that make sense?

Your General Vibe:

• Your characterization of our phone calls as “harassment.” Come on, really?

In addition to your new premium adjustment, you are also subject to the following charges:

• Gratuity: A 20 percent premium is automatically added for vehicles with a trunk.
• Seat Finder Service: We are now collecting select surcharges on behalf of Ticketmaster. (They will still be charging you a Broker Surcharge in exchange for their service of finding a suitable third party to collect their other surcharges.) (Isn’t “surcharges” a fun word? Surcharges.)
• Round Up For Charity: You did not opt out of our Round Up for Charity program, where we adjust your premium to the nearest amusing number and use the difference to tip Charity, the travel agent who’s booking our Disney trip.
• eFee: We figured out we can just put “eFee” on the bill and people will pay it.

Hakuna Matata,
NOTONUS