I had surgery to become a man but regretted it so I changed back to a woman five years later – now my body Is ruined
SINEAD WATSON, is a bright, humorous woman who speaks her mind and has a permanent twinkle in her eyes.
But just over a decade ago, 33-year-old Sinead temporarily became Sean, a surly, angry trans man.
At the age of 20, feeling desperately unhappy, and suffering trauma from serious sexual assaults perpetrated by men, she discovered online trans communities.
Sinead convinced herself that all of her problems would disappear if she underwent gender reassignment treatment.
Then, at 23 — having presented as “gender dysphoric” at the Sandyford Gender Clinic in Glasgow — Sinead was able to transition to a trans man with little pushback.
But within five years of her first appointment she was “deeply regretting” her decision and, aged 27, began living as a woman again.
Today, Sinead is in permanent pain and discomfort as a result of taking the male hormone testosterone, and has scars where her breasts used to be.
She has been living in a homeless hostel for the past six months after the breakdown of a three-year relationship, and has struggled with alcoholism.
Sinead tells me: “I’m currently single. My relationship was in tatters because I couldn’t cope with all the trauma in my life.”
Sinead is angry at the professionals at Sandyford, who she claims led her to believe she could escape her female body.
She says: “I now must live with the many permanent consequences of the ‘treatment’ I received there.
“I realised I had made a terrible mistake when I woke up after my double mastectomy.
“By then I had grown a beard, and my voice had deepened as a result of the testosterone I’d taken. I felt there was no going back.”
Sinead understands now that she was actually suffering from body dysphoria.
She explains: “When I was seen by gender clinicians, I was allowed to make a monumental, life-changing decision but I wasn’t offered in-depth counselling. Instead, I was effectively left to self-diagnose.
“What I clearly needed was therapy. I had been the victim of sexual abuse and I told them, ‘I’m just out of psychiatric hospital. I’ve been suicidal. I have all these issues’.
“What they should have said is, ‘Let’s talk about how you ended up there’.
“But they didn’t ask me any questions about my history of trauma and abuse.
“If they had told me, ‘You’ve had some terrible experiences relating to men sexualising you because of your breasts, but there’s nothing wrong with them,’ I may not have felt the need to have them cut off.”
Instead, they affirmed Sinead immediately at her first appointment, calling out her name to see the clinician: “He’s ready for you, Mr Watson.”
Sinead was single-minded in pursuit of her goal to transition.
For example, when asked about being an inpatient at a psychiatric unit in 2014, she said it was because she was depressed that she hadn’t transitioned yet, which was a lie.
Her voice shaking with emotion, she says: “It was their job to scrutinise what had been happening in my life that led to severe breakdowns and suicide attempts.”
Sinead was given pamphlets listing the side-effects of testosterone, and was asked how long she had been living as a man (the requirement is two years before cross-sex hormones can be prescribed).
She says: “I told them two years, and they just took my word for it.”
Self-diagnose
Just five months later, Sinead was given her first dose of testosterone, which causes physical changes including a deeper voice, scalp hair loss, and increased body and facial hair.
After two years on the hormone, Sinead elected to undergo a double mastectomy, in July 2017.
Before the surgery she was warned she could lose complete sensation and that her nipples could fall off.
Afterwards, she says: “I woke up and I’d had my breasts removed. It wasn’t how I thought it would be.
“I thought I would wake up and feel amazing. But I can’t really explain what it feels like to have no sensation on your chest.
“I was in so much pain I couldn’t even go to the toilet by myself.”
After Sinead broke down in front of her GP, she was finally referred to a therapist.
She says: “When I said I regretted my transition, they suggested that I was perhaps non-binary. It was dizzying.
“I felt ready to kill myself. But I couldn’t put my loved ones through any more, so I decided to go online and find other detransitioned women.
“I found a surprisingly large number of them. And then they told me their stories.
“I basically went from being horrifically depressed and suicidal to so, so angry”.
Most of the detransitioners Sinead is in contact with are in their early 20s.
What I clearly needed was therapy… but they didn’t ask any questions about my history of trauma and abuse
Sinead Watson
She says: “When they started talking about it on trans forums and said they thought they’d made a terrible mistake, they were told, ‘That’s normal, you’ll get over it’.”
But in light of last month’s damning report into the practices of the Gender Identity Development Service (GIDS) at London’s Tavistock NHS Trust, NHS Scotland has announced that it will pause puberty blockers being given to children.
When Dr Hilary Cass’s team asked Sinead about her treatment at Sandyford, they were shocked to learn how quickly she was prescribed testosterone, and asked about its permanent effects.
She says: “Sex is very painful for me. I’ve got chronic joint pain that I need to take oestrogen to combat. I have absolutely no sensation on my chest. I am furious to find that, in response to the announcement about puberty blockers being stopped in Scotland, there are still some private clinicians advertising online.
“They are saying, ‘If you can’t get puberty blockers via the gender clinic, we can send them to you’.”
I ask Sinead what she proposes the Government should do in light of the Cass Review that said children had been let down.
She says: “I want our First Minister to come out and condemn what has been done to young people in these clinics.”
Life has been hard since Sinead decided to speak out.
She has received a barrage of abuse from trans activists who believe she has betrayed the community.
She admits: “If I had known back then the abuse I was going to receive, I would never have waived my anonymity. But I will do what I can to stop this terrible mistreatment of vulnerable young people.”
Sinead points to the many women using online crowd-funding pages to raise cash for their “top surgery”.
Terrible mistreatment
She says: “My body is ruined and I get little sympathy and support, so why are money and resources being poured into funds and services to do the same to other women?”
Despite everything, Sinead is still optimistic, because the closure of GIDS could spell the end for other gender clinics such as Sandyford.
Determined, she says: “Children are being harmed. Every time these places are investigated, horrific information is revealed. The public can’t stay ignorant for ever.
“Sandyford, and all gender clinics, should be shut down, before more lives are destroyed.”
When Sinead split from her boyfriend late last year, she says she was left with “no self-esteem and no money”.
But she now says her future is “looking brighter”.
She has been accepted for universal credit so she can now afford food and has been offered a flat.
She says: “It was really scary for a while but I can make hot meals which is nice.
“In terms of the future, I would love to meet The One.
“And I have over a decade of customer service experience, so fingers crossed.
“The last few years have been hell, but I’m coming through it.”