The Globalization of Idiots

There have always been idiots. I write this with a trace of nostalgia. Some of them have been illustrious, worthy of admiration. Throughout the centuries and cultures, they have played a central role in history. Sometimes they show you the path not to follow and, at other times, they drag behind them a multitude of unconditional supporters of stupidity. It is the imperfect drama of democracy. These people vote too and, following a sort of mindless tribalism, they tend to vote for other idiots.

The expansive capacity of the idiot used to be limited in time. After all, as idiots, they do idiot things which nobody in their right mind pays too much attention to, apart from some who watch them with the same enthusiasm seen in zoo goers throwing peanuts at the monkeys or banging on the cage of a bored vulture in the vain hope that he will get angry, pull the keys out of his feathers, open the door and peck their eyes out. (READ MORE: Social Media After Florida and TikTok)

Generally, those who follow an idiot do so out of fear that if they don’t, they may decide to act like an idiot towards those around them. Perhaps this explains how Maduro loyalists still exist. I know Nicolás thinks it is because of his beauty but I am sorry to bring the red-black vulture down from his perch: They only follow you out of fear of the Helicoide and of losing their official narco-benefits. Without Helicoide and the narco-state, Maduro would be raised alone in captivity, occasionally fed peanuts by those Central European tourists, so sensitive to the pains of the ozone layer and the hunger of animals.

There is, however, a destabilizing factor in the traditional isolation of the common idiot and that is the globalization of idiocy. Networks do not filter. And the speed of our connections, so lame when downloading what is important, reaches ultrasonic heights when it comes to opening videos starring idiots.

In its international expansion, among the recipients of the video, native idiots are immediately distinguishable because they jump, cell phone in hand, and give friendly elbows to coworkers while laughing their heads off. Then the monster’s ineptitude feeds on itself. Each like makes the idiot more of an idiot. It is a process that has no end, except when the idiot explodes into a thousand pieces on a live stream, thus reaping his greatest success, even if posthumous. If there are offspring, after the hangover of the post-mortem triumph, the field is fertilized for the emergence of new talents in the emerging industry of international stupidity. (READ MORE: Go Touch Some Grass)

Since Plinio Apuleyo Mendoza, Carlos Alberto Montaner, and Álvaro Vargas Llosa signed the Guide to the Perfect Latin American Idiot some time ago and I do not believe that the treaty can be amended, I will not expand on the characteristics of these subjects but will limit my warning to their reproductive capacities.

The contemporary idiot is passionate about virality. If viral comes with a challenge, the passion becomes devotion. The challenge can be to eat a live cat, to throw oneself into the void with no more protection than a coffee spoon clenched between the teeth, or to hit indiscriminately in the street anyone wearing blue. The only rule is to record it so no one can doubt the authorship. The feat is accompanied by tedious recordings of the idiot in question sitting in front of the computer, detailing the challenge and proving to the world that the idiocy contains a certain messianic aspect, a proselytizing vocation.

However, idiots are no longer isolated as in the past. The views on their social networks make them minor national heroes — or even international heroes — in the making, and for themselves they are the living proof that idiocy, far from being a setback, is an honest reason to live.

It is true that they die devoured by lions. Almost all great idiots die devoured by a lion, quite possibly during the filming of a viral video in which they tried to prove that the lion is an ideal pet for domestic coexistence. And that’s where their deed ends. However, their legacy remains. In the intermission between their idiocy and their tragic end, another legion of the same condition has arisen by their side; they also dream of going far, kissing fame, and dying devoured by a lion. (READ MORE: Gallup’s Stats on American Happiness Are Baloney)

The drama of the globalization of idiots is not the unbearable lightness of their reason for living. After all, God did create us to be free. The drama is its prescriptive character and the copycat effect it has on its audience, which does nothing but activate hundreds of sleeper-idiots left, right, and center of our screens and that bothers me even more. Because up until recently, as a good columnist, I was convinced that in matters of idiots and idiocies, I had the exclusive. Today the competition is atrocious. And viral.

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