If Trump Wins, I’m Going to Have to Move to Canada to Be Closer to My Long-Distance Girlfriend, Lisa

This upcoming election has consequences. In 2020, we saw then-President Donald J. Trump refuse to concede after losing reelection to Joe Biden, serving as an exclamation point on a term that was marred with turmoil, crises, and outright lies. As we head into 2024 with Trump as the Republican nominee, I worry about the possibility of a second term, which will no doubt further erode our country’s values. It seems like every time I look at my phone, I see headlines about Trump’s many court cases, his ugly campaign promises of violence, and texts from my very real long-distance girlfriend pressuring me into moving in with her. So let me be clear: if Trump wins in November, I’m going to have to move to Canada to be closer to my long-distance girlfriend, Lisa.

Donald Trump has shown that, if elected, he will be a legitimate threat to democracy. With his incessant bullying of allies and his deference to authoritarianism, I don’t know how I can be expected to feel safe living in this country. And yet, at the same time, Lisa scares me as well. Not so much because of her politics but because of the level of commitment she is seeking. The last time I went to see her and stayed at the Ramada by Wyndham in Moose Jaw, she went on and on about how I shouldn’t waste so much money on hotels when she has plenty of room in her family’s cabin. I know I said that I would move to Canada in 2016 if Trump were elected, but that was before Lisa gave me a key to her house and said she’d cleared out a drawer for me. For Americans like me, the stakes have never been higher.

This election cycle truly feels like we’re watching the countdown on a doomsday clock. Trump is promising to lock up his political opponents and parroting Russian propaganda at a time when nations must come together to face actual existential threats. And at the same time, Lisa’s biological clock is ticking. The other day, she sent me one of those AI-generated images of what our child might look like just “as a joke,” but you could tell she was also trying to say something. In trying to change the subject, I asked if she’d seen any good movies lately. She said, “Baby’s Day Out, Baby Mama, and Baby Driver,” the last of which didn’t really make sense, but I understood what she was getting at. If Trump wins in November, America may, indeed, devolve into some scary Hulu Handmaid’s Tale–type situation, but if I go to Canada and live with Lisa, I may find myself in some unsettling Hulu Letterkenny-type situation.

And I know what you’re thinking, maybe it won’t be that bad. Maybe we’ll go about our lives and make small compromises in our freedoms, but ultimately, we’ll find some degree of light in the darkness. Let me tell you something: Lisa’s pet name for me is “Puggy,” and she keeps buying me sweaters with pugs on them and then asking me why I’m not wearing them. I tell her that the lanolin irritates my forearms and chest, and her solution is to rub me down with Aquaphor Advanced Therapy. If Trump wins and becomes president in 2025, his promise to “Make America Great Again” may lead us back to the oppressive 1950s. But in Canada, I will look like I’m in my fifties, with all these cardigans and suspenders Lisa’s picked out for me.

So, America, please take this threat seriously and vote. Hey, I’m no Joe Biden superfan. Is anyone at this point? But at the very least, you have to admit that if he wins, nobody will expect me to move to Canada and live with my long-term long-distance girlfriend, Lisa, who, and I shouldn’t have to say this, very much exists.