Let Us Bask in the Majesty of Bridgerton’s Music-Box Hair

There are many enticing things upon which to gaze in part one of the third season of Bridgerton: Penelope Featherington, all grown up and glown up; Francesca Bridgerton, an animated Disney princess who somehow got bibbidi-bobbidi-booed into an actual human; Colin Bridgerton shouting, “Heave!” as he’s trying to stop a hot-air balloon from Nathan Fielder–ing into outer space. But nothing is as eye-catching or fascinating as the wig that Queen Charlotte wears in episode four while hosting a party/sexual dance recital.

This wig is not just a wig. It is an updo diorama. It’s a jewelry box that woke up one day and discovered it was being held hostage inside a pompadour. It’s a hair tower, a swan-themed follicular snow globe, a monument to Marie Antoinette, aesthetics and, possibly, an extremely tiny production of Broadway on Ice embedded within the most ambitious blowout of all time.

If it’s not immediately obvious that this wig is something, the camera confirms it with a slow pan from the tip of Queen Charlotte’s crown down to her self-satisfied smirk, the expression one makes when they know they’re sitting there with a re-creation of the ice rink at Rockefeller Center on top of their head.

Do I see actual lighting inside this tableau surrounded by curls, and if so, how is that possible since mainstream electricity has not yet been invented, a fact made clear in a previous Bridgerton episode when Portia Featherington declined the opportunity to get a sneak peek at a primitive lamp? It’s probably just the way the crystal swans are reflecting the light in the room, but given everything else happening with this wig, I would not be surprised to learn there are teeny-tiny candles in there.

It’s also notable that those swans are rotating, which means there must be a motor and possibly a crank to wind it nestled somewhere in that mountain range of ringlets. This thing is not just art, it is a miracle of less-than-modern physics.

You may have noticed that Queen Charlotte never stands up at any point during this event. That’s because if she tried, she would immediately topple over and take out every stone-faced person in that VIP box and probably both candelabras. If, God forbid, she sneezes, she’ll fly off the balcony faster than Ryan Gosling did in The Nice Guys.

This wide shot really gives a nice sense of the wig’s scale within its environment. But what I desperately want is to get all up inside that headpiece the way Anthony got all up inside Kate in episode one, so I can stare at every minuscule detail. Unfortunately, the director of this episode, Andrew Ahn, only provides quick glimpses of it, because I guess he has to devote time to dealing with story lines or something.

Come on, though, couldn’t we have gotten a five-second, super-tight close-up that shows more than this?

Or this?

At minimum, there needs to be a behind-the-scenes featurette focused on the making of this wig and nothing else, and it needs to be at least 15 minutes in length. But, personally, I would like to see a whole Bridgerton spinoff that follows the mating rituals in the wee city that presumably exists deep within Charlotte’s headpiece. It would be called Wig Ton, a title that works on two levels because they call the town the ’ton, and also that’s definitely what this thing weighs.