My cheating husband issued me with a cheeky ultimatum

DEAR DEIDRE: My husband left me for another woman but says he’ll return if I show him affection.

Not only does he expect me to forget that he had a sexual affair, betrayed me and deserted our family, he now wants me to show him ‘he is loved with lots of cuddles and kisses’.

This feels like I am being blamed and he’s issuing me with an impossible ultimatum. 

I was devastated when he first moved out saying he needed a break and was going to stay with a friend. 

But then one month later I found out ‘his friend’ was a woman who has always had the hots for him. 

My husband says he only had an affair with her because I didn’t make him feel wanted, desired and loved. To be honest this doesn’t come naturally to me and I don’t think about doing these things naturally.

We say “I love you” and cuddle in bed most evenings but I am not an overly touchy-feely person.

I’m 39 and my husband’s 41. We’ve been together for 10 years and have twin boys aged six. 

After he moved out this other woman, who is a former colleague, sent screenshots of their messages.

My husband now says he wants to come home but that if I can’t give him what he wants, he will go back to his lover and try again.

Apparently she gives him all the affection he needs. I am struggling to get my head around the fact he had an affair and I can’t stop the images of them together. 

I’m worried that no matter what she will always be there in the background.

I’m totally muddled.

DEIDRE SAYS: If you struggle to show affection to people you love this is likely rooted in a childhood where your family weren’t openly demonstrative either. 

Being tactile and showing affection, is therefore likely to make you feel uncomfortable and awkward.

It is never right to have an affair and if your husband felt neglected, he should have talked to you, but as an explanation, rather than an excuse, if he craved affection and didn’t receive it, he likely felt dissatisfied and looked elsewhere.

It sounds like you both want to work things through but he has been very clumsy in explaining what changes he’d like. To bring more equilibrium think about what you would need also.

My support pack Relationship MOT may be helpful and consider couple’s counselling. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1960).