Upsetting Social Media Ads for Mobile Games
A cartoon king is dangling over a pit of lava. He says, “If you don’t match the colored shapes, I die!” Time runs out and the screen blurs, so you can’t see the king’s death. The text “You have failed your king…” appears as you hear the king’s heartbeat slow to a stop. This game is called Vacation Match Relaxation.
On a plane, a poor traveler is berated by his fellow passengers for downloading the wrong slot machine game. A stewardess takes pity on the weeping traveler and tells him that he should have just downloaded Dollar Dash Cash Frenzy, which is a good game that doesn’t lie about jackpots. The stewardess claps, and thousands of gold coins explode across the screen, which makes your phone freeze.
An insultingly simple crossword puzzle with the clue “Three-letter word for a pet?” A hand drags the letters A, T, and C into incorrect combinations for a full twenty seconds until a red X pops up, along with the words, “Your brain is ninety-seven years old, and your family has decided to pull the plug.” This game is not available to download in your country.
A cartoon grandmother commits arson and is arrested by a real-life Pedro Pascal. You see footage of the game, which involves redecorating a parlor by sorting flower pots. You can’t help but replay the ad to check whether the famous actor Pedro Pascal is really in an advertisement for Selection Scrambler—he is, and that fact ruins your entire day.
The cartoon king appears again, but this time he’s been thrown from a plane and is falling towards a pit of spikes. A crowd of cartoon townspeople gather around the pit, gleefully watching him flail. The king says, “What depraved God would leave my fate up to matching shapes? Pray for your king.” But the shapes are unmatched—the king can’t deploy his chute and is impaled on the spikes. The townspeople cheer and chant, “Vacation Match Relaxation!” over and over as the king’s eyes lock with yours and slowly turn into Xs.
An influencer talks about how all her friends are jealous because she makes three hundred dollars a day from a game called Rich Piggy Slot Machine. The ad claims that you can “WIN REAL MONEY $$$,” but ends with a disclaimer that the influencer is currently in jail on charges related to January 6.
Three identical baby dragons are merged, combining into one very horny, very sexualized dragon with a huge blurred-out ass. This game is called Sex Dragon Combinations, and the ad makes your phone whir loudly and get so hot that you have to put it down.
A cartoon woman is covered in mud and cradling crying twin babies as a cartoon lawyer screams at her. The lawyer laughs in her face, and a button appears, asking, “Evict Her?” A hand clicks it, and the woman and her babies fall into a pit. There is no link to download this game.
The cartoon king appears again, trying to run past the townspeople, who are now deformed with fangs and tentacles. But every time, the cackling townspeople devour and then poop the king out into a cave. The king weeps and says, “The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty: not knowing what comes next. Match shapes to accept what may come with serenity.” You recognize the Le Guin quote and are surprisingly moved. You click download on the game. As it finishes loading, the program immediately fills all twenty gigs of your cloud storage, sends everyone in your contacts a text saying you’re “addicted to saving the king,” and signs you up for a $5.99 repeating charge that triggers your bank’s fraud alert system.