Harriette Cole: I can’t believe what the cancer patient’s wife posted
DEAR HARRIETTE: A person with whom I’m acquainted has cancer, and friends and relatives had a benefit.
They collected items from donors and sold them, and they also had a bake sale, a raffle and games. A generous sum was raised.
My question is this: What is the etiquette surrounding the spouse of the party receiving the money?
For example: The spouse in question posted pictures on Facebook of herself with friends drinking at bars, touring and drinking at wineries, etc. While the benefit was being planned, she posted on Facebook that she and a friend were going to another state for a 5- or 6-day trip! The day before the benefit, she went out to eat with out-of-town guests and paid for all of their dinners.
Really? This just seems wrong to me.
What are your thoughts?
— Don’t Understand
DEAR DON’T UNDERSTAND: The optics don’t seem good, and I can see why the spouse’s actions rubbed you the wrong way.
Step back for a moment, though, and consider that perhaps the spouse’s actions weren’t as awful as they seemed.
When a benefit is held, money must be spent to make the event happen. Large donors are often courted for their contributions. You’ve probably heard the saying “You have to spend money to make money.”
It could be that the contributions some of those people made were more significant than the amount spent entertaining them. Indeed, this is often why galas are held. People get dressed up, spend lots of money on tickets and have a great time as they are wined and dined in exchange for opening their checkbooks.
That doesn’t change the fact that boasting about fun, expensive activities with people at the very time that you are trying to raise money for such a serious cause can seem insensitive.
If you feel strongly enough about this, speak to the spouse. Check in to see how she is doing and how the person with cancer is doing. If it seems appropriate, mention that it troubled some people to see how much money they seemed to be spending on entertainment at the very time when others were sacrificing to raise money for the sick spouse. You can tell her that her self-indulgence wasn’t a good look.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have another suggestion to offer to “Loving Aunt,” who has been paying tuition for her nephew’s specialized education.
Title IX is a federal law that guarantees a free and appropriate education to every child attending public schools. I assume that the nephew was previously in a public school and that the school stated that he needed a different educational setting. If so, this additional information may be helpful.
If the public school system cannot meet his educational needs (and went so far as to suggest an alternative), then that public school system is required under Title IX to cover the specialized schooling tuition for Loving Aunt’s nephew.
I’m not certain about the laws in individual states, and some laws have changed since I retired from teaching, but Title IX is a federal law that protects all students.
I hope the aunt does speak to her cousin about his unnecessary personal luxury spending, but in the meantime, an attorney (or free legal aid program) could provide good advice about how to keep her nephew in his much-needed educational setting at no cost to his family — including transportation.
Best of luck to Loving Aunt and her nephew!
— Retired Teacher
DEAR RETIRED TEACHER AND THE MANY OTHERS WHO RESPONDED TO LOVING AUNT: Thank you for sharing this important information about how to educate this child properly and fairly. It is great to know that there are programs out there to protect our most vulnerable children, even when their parents are irresponsible.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.