Parents, it’s time to fight back against ‘Big Birthday’ | GUEST COMMENTARY

I generally skew towards the silly and superfluous. But today I’m turning serious. I want to talk about a threat to all of us and our children. It’s not Big Brother, Big Pharma, Big Tech, or even Big Lunchmeat.

I’m afraid it’s much worse.

It’s Big Birthday.

I have a preschooler and a first-grader. The preschooler is turning 5 soon — him and everyone he knows, apparently. These days my inbox is besieged by b-day invitations; it feels like a cyberattack. In the next three weekends, we have six birthday parties on top of six soccer games. I’m still working on the logistics, but at some point, we’ll have to get toilet paper.

It’s all a bit too much, and by that, I don’t just mean too many. These are 5- to 7-year-old kids, but we’re treating them like the dukes and duchesses of York. Recent birthdays have featured arcades, inflatable bounce houses, cotton candy stands, ziplines, rope climbs and two-story suspension bridges. It’s a bizarre mix of county fair and Navy Seal training.

I’m not above any of this — we had our last birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. I’m in the thick of it, searching for an off-ramp. And I don’t smirk dismissively at anyone’s invitation or choice of venue; we’re all doing our best out there.

But whatever happened to inviting some friends to run around in the park or the yard, then scarf some pizza and cake? Happy birthday; mission accomplished.

But no. That’s not good enough anymore, and we parents unwittingly find ourselves in a birthday party arms race of our own making. Every birthday is an event. It has to be. Because the other birthdays were. And up the ladder of escalation we go, sending the wrong signal to our kids at each successive rung.

For starters, these extravagant birthdays fail to set realistic expectations. You can’t walk back a birthday celebration; if you start little Petey’s birthday party career with a trip to SkyZone at age 5, he’ll be going to Cabo by the time he turns 10. Or mad as all heck that he isn’t.

There’s an old saying in communications: “The medium is the message.” With Big Birthday as the medium, parents send a confusing message to our kids about how we show them we love them and that they are special to us. I’m not saying our kids aren’t special. I’m just saying that paying actors to come over dressed as pirates and mermaids to guide a treasure hunt strikes me as an odd way to get the point across. It would be far better to focus on doing the small, everyday things well — mealtimes, schoolwork, soccer games.

Finally, Big Birthday sends the wrong message about the very nature of fun. In the trembling hands of Tesla-driving, Hoka-wearing, overachieving, insecure suburban Mom-and-Dad party planners, fun becomes something only a company can give you — something that involves loud music, flashing lights, a waiver, credit card and a deep sigh from Dad. It’s no longer enough to hang out with some friends throwing rocks and slamming a 24-pack of FreezePops. That’s too bad.

If you’re a parent with a young kid, I know you feel the same way — I’ve seen your soulless stare at FunZone. So let’s help each other out. The next time junior’s birthday rolls around, let’s throw a few dogs on the grill, crack open some seltzers, let the kids run around in the grass and call it day. It’s time to de-escalate Big Birthday.

Zach Przystup (zprzystup@gmail.com) works for the Fulbright Program at the U.S. Department of State.