Ask Amy: I don’t miss my father
Dear Amy: After my spouse of over 40 years died last year. I have moved forward in my life in a positive manner.
I am having a relationship with a married woman (“Brenda”). As a widower, I have found this to be very helpful.
Brenda’s adult son and daughter have supported her in allowing this relationship to continue and grow.
Brenda’s husband is clueless to everything going on.
Brenda and I enjoy our time together and we have very long phone calls, and we have a very exciting sexual relationship.
Her house is across the street, and she has her own bedroom separate from her husband. He is distant, withdrawn, and very unsociable.
Brenda doesn’t want to leave her house and move in with me because her daughter and granddaughter are also living in the home with her.
At what point should Brenda’s husband be clued into this development, and what approach should we take to “clear the air” at some point?
– Archie
Dear Archie: I appreciate the fact that you believe you are moving onward “in a positive manner” after your loss, but I would ask you to reconsider the meaning of the word “positive,” and at least acknowledge the possible negative consequences your and “Brenda’s” behavior might have on others.
You don’t offer any real clues about Brenda’s husband’s status, and I wonder if you and Brenda could consider what course of action will be the least destabilizing for him. He might be withdrawn and unsociable, but he is the innocent party here, and his life might be turned upside down if he and Brenda split.
Using the modern vernacular, Brenda might propose that they “open up” their marriage. This is often suggested by a spouse who is already having an affair, but wants to stay married. Might he also want to step out, or would he prefer to maintain a “don’t ask, don’t tell” sort of arrangement, where he and his wife basically live separate lives under the same roof?
A divorce might take an extreme toll financially, affecting the entire household, but he should be presented with the truth, because he has the right to make some informed choices about his own life.
The coziest course might be for Brenda to move across the street to cohabit with you, allowing her husband to stay in his home, but so far she doesn’t seem to want to make any substantial changes in order to be with you.
Dear Amy: My father is serving a long term in prison for a violent crime he committed many years ago. He was hardly the model citizen or dad of the year before his incarceration.
I was a teenager when he was convicted and the whole thing consumed a lot of my childhood, but after he was gone, I hate to admit that my life improved a lot.
Although I think about him from time to time, I don’t miss him. Aside from two visits early on, I have not seen him or been in touch. Honestly, I don’t miss him.
I have a great husband and we have a 5-year-old son. So this is my son’s grandfather. My son has only asked a couple of times about his grandfather (I think he’s still trying to get family relationships straight).
I know I need to tell him something about my dad, but I don’t know how to do that.
Can you help get me started?
– Loving Mom
Dear Mom: Make a choice to tell the truth, but do so in a way that is age-appropriate and simple. We parents tend to ramble and pile on too much detail when we’re nervous. Try not to do this.
You can say, “My Dad’s name is John. When I was a kid, my dad broke the law and hurt someone. He had to go to jail for doing that, and he is still in jail.”
Do not portray him as a scary person (you don’t want to scare your son).
Answer questions honestly, and if the answer is, “I don’t know,” you can say that.
Dear Amy: The question from “Holding It” made me mad. She is disabled and is upset that able-bodied people use the bathroom stall intended for her.
Anyone can use these stalls. Is it supposed to stay empty, just in case she comes along?
– Upset
Dear Upset: I don’t think “Holding It” is asking that the stall stay empty, but that able-bodied people shouldn’t linger. They should be aware that they can use other stalls – and she cannot.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)