Marin Voice: When online dating, it’s important to know the pitfalls

Four years ago, my husband and I met on a dating website. As a psychotherapist, I’ve coached my clients through the online dating process for years, outlining “rules” and structures for the building of a successful relationship. Now I’d have the chance to practice those same lessons.

I did so as faithfully as I could, and we now have a healthy, fun and fulfilling relationship; we just celebrated three years of marriage.

We are anything but a rarity. Online dating is more popular than ever: according to a 2022 poll by the Pew Research Center, three out of 10 U.S. adults have used a dating site or app. A fixture of the dating scene for both younger and older adults, online dating is here to stay.

That being said, let’s have a look at those rules.

First off, identify your two non-negotiables: your “must-haves.” For me, there was no question. One, I wanted an interesting conversationalist, someone with a good sense of humor. And two, I didn’t want a partner who was still raising kids.

Whether or not a person has young children is often in their profile, but it’s important to confirm. Just remember, the “no kids” rule yields a smaller pool of candidates, and you may miss a great match. So on this, be sure.

Meanwhile, my husband has a great sense of humor and the most infectious laugh, as I discovered during our first conversation. And when I asked, he confirmed he was an empty nester – just like me.

Secondly, don’t scroll quickly, and avoid making snap decisions based on appearance. More than once a client has told me they know for certain they are not interested in a candidate, based solely on a photo. There is no way to know a person by looking at a photograph; pause and consider all the factors that attract you to a person. That simple pause may pave the way for you to meet someone special.

Lastly, it’s wise to exchange phone numbers and have a proper conversation before meeting in person. If you’re uncomfortable giving out your phone number, you can easily create a google phone number, or use an app like WhatsApp or Telegram.

There are good reasons for this. A person willing to have a phone call or video chat is probably more serious about dating – and less likely to cancel (or be a no-show). It’s also one more chance to weed out people who lack your non-negotiables. Remember that people can be nervous and not everyone shines on the first phone call. But in my experience, it’s far better than relying on emails or text messages.

“Emma,” my client of two years, is in her mid-20s. She dated online for four months, and has now been with her partner for a year and a half. She followed my coaching, stuck to the principles and has what she reports as “the most perfect” match.

Before we began our sessions, Emma had the habit of scrolling at lightning speed through photos on dating sites. Learning to take her time was a game changer. She told me her partner’s photo wasn’t one that would typically jump out at her. But in this case she paused – and swiped right.

Emma also stuck to her non-negotiables. She was looking for someone who was interested in a long-term relationship and she wanted a partner who loved the outdoors. She had a phone conversation with each candidate before agreeing to a date, spotting people who didn’t want a long term relationship by certain phrases, like “I’m just looking to have fun.”

Of course, whether you’re dating online or off, there is no “magic bullet” in romance. One recent poll revealed that 13 of 15 dating apps analyzed experienced a drop-in success rate in 2022 compared to the previous year. And almost 60% of respondents said they’d prefer to meet someone in real life rather than on a dating app.

In 2024, dating remains a challenge. But whatever path you choose, one thing remains true: The more you know, the better off you’ll be. If you’re going to date online, keep your eyes open and stick to your core principles. Good luck out there.

Karen Hamilton is a psychotherapist with a private practice in Petaluma.