Stop Yassifying Your Kids

It was Shakespeare who first posited that all the world’s a stage some 500 years ago, but he couldn’t possibly have known how literal that would become. These days, you may find yourself in an ancillary or starring role in a popular production without ever having auditioned. You might even be required to lose weight or otherwise transform your appearance Hollywood-style — without ever becoming aware of either the requirement or the result. And the director of said production? It could just be your own mother. Curtain up on Facetune.

Sabrina Coleman, a 22-year-old TikToker, recently realized she was the star of one such production, which she shared in a video revealing her awkward discovery: the unsubtle ways her mother, using the popular photo and video app in her own social-media posts, significantly slimmed her down and lightened her skin. Sabrina, unpleasantly surprised by her mother’s photographic fiddling, told her many TikTok followers of her — well, what was it — disappointment? Frustration? (She didn’t like many of the photos her mother posted even before the fiddling.)

“The first time she did it, I remember my jaw dropped a little — but I wasn’t offended. It was more like, ‘Oh! Okay. I wasn’t expecting that,’” Sabrina told Today.com. She acknowledged that the extent of her mother’s conduct was out of bounds. It’s “kinda weird behavior,” Sabrina said in her video, “… but since it’s my mom … whatever ….”  She added, “If anyone else did that to me without my permission … I’d be like, ‘Oh, oh, no, no.’”

In China, where her mother was raised, there’s huge pressure to be thin and light-skinned, Sabrina says. “I wasn’t upset, because I have context, and I know [her behavior] is not coming from a bad place.” So the young beauty forgave her mother of her trespasses.

I give Sabrina a lot of credit, because my first response to her mother’s behavior, having shared a fairly competitive relationship with my mother, was much less generous. The way I saw it,

Facetune seemed to have afforded her mother a way of concretizing the age-old maternal displeasure that often materializes in the question: “You’re wearing that?”

Like many daughters whose mothers may have tried (probably unconsciously) to shape their daughters into their image, I carried that critical voice into adulthood; it took considerably hard work to let it go. I’m very wary of an app that delivers a double whammy, not only making a mother’s critical assessment so easily expressed she might not even think twice about it, but also granting her the capability to impose a physical representation of the criticism. (“You’re not wearing that; you’re wearing this.”)

“As parents, we want to be our kids’ biggest supporter and encourage healthy self-esteem and self-confidence, so that they will take that with them as they mature,” said New York City dermatologist and psychiatrist Amy Wechsler, M.D. If we’re critical — critical of their bodies, for example — that has the opposite effect. “Everyone who has an issue with their body already knows it, so pointing it out — especially someone in a position of power, like a parent — only lowers self-esteem and self-confidence, exacerbating the issue,” she said.

Because I’m not inside the culture that prompted Sabrina’s mother to slim her down and lighten her skin, I can’t speak to it; I don’t know what those particular pressures are like for her, so I won’t criticize her choices. Besides, whatever their relationship is, her daughter’s forgiveness is a testament to it.

But, in general, Photoshopping an image into an idealized version of what you wish your kid looks like — that’s a dangerous game. If you’re the kind of parent who views her kid as an extension of herself, when your kid doesn’t conform to your idea of how she should look, you suffer a narcissistic injury, said Wechsler. Besides, even if criticizing your kid or altering her appearance in photos might make you feel momentarily victorious, it’s never a win.

And you might not be lucky enough to have a child as grounded as Sabrina. “I’ve worked hard to have a healthy relationship with my body,” she told Today.com. “I’ve been able to learn self-acceptance — and I hope that one day, my mom will, too.”