Harriette Cole: I found out she downloaded files on my laptop
DEAR HARRIETTE: My roommate has been repeatedly borrowing my clothes without permission and returning them stained or stretched out.
I recently discovered that she also used my laptop without asking, leading to scratches on the screen and unauthorized downloads.
Confronting her about these incidents makes me uncomfortable and anxious about potential conflicts.
Unfortunately, moving out is not currently an option for me due to financial constraints. I just want to live in an environment where I do not need to check every little thing.
— Disrespectful Roommate
DEAR DISRESPECTFUL ROOMMATE: You and your roommate need to establish ground rules for living together. That should have occurred before you moved in, but here you are.
Push past your worries about conflict and think about appropriate boundaries for healthy living. Invite your roommate to sit down for a meeting with you. Tell her you have some concerns and need to address them with her.
Explain that while you are roommates and you must share space, you did not expect her to wear your clothing or use your computer without your permission. Tell her you were surprised to notice that she has done these things. Point out that you have noticed some of your clothes being worn, soiled and stretched, though you are certain you did not loan them to her. Similarly, explain what you noticed about your computer.
Ask her not to use your things without your permission. Period.
Sit back and listen for what she has to say. Sometimes people blur boundaries because that’s the way they grew up. For instance, if she had siblings who commonly wore each other’s clothes, she may not have thought about the fact that you are not her sibling and, therefore, she doesn’t have the same rights.
Do your best not to judge, but instead to understand her. Then come to an agreement on what you two can share and what remains off limits.
Lock away your computer and put your valuable clothing and accessories in suitcases if you need to keep them out of her reach.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a suggestion for “Pageant Woman,” who wants Barbie arms while keeping her authenticity: Try working out your arms.
Using a simple can of fruit or veggies can help. Start out doing a set of 10 curls, and then work your way up to two sets, then three sets. You can incorporate these during your daily activities — while waiting on hold, while watching the news, etc.
— You Can Do It
DEAR YOU CAN DO IT: I love your practical idea! Rather than envying someone else for what they have that you don’t, or resorting to extreme means like plastic surgery — especially if you would still be left with the rest of your body not being fit — take action.
By the way, for all of us couch potatoes who may be staring into our computer screens for way too long day in and day out, doing some arm flexing while sitting at that computer can pay off — even if you aren’t headed for the pageant life!
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.