My Life in Opposite Land

In Opposite Land, Oreos are a nutritious superfood.

In Opposite Land, I have no unwanted facial hair. All of my facial hair is wanted.

In Opposite Land, my job pays me obscene amounts of money. Unfortunately, money is virtually worthless here, so people burn it to keep cool in the long, hot days of winter.

Here, instead of two white cats, I have two black dogs. However, dogs are complete assholes in Opposite Land; they let you know they are done being petted by scratching you. So, in a way, my pet situation is kind of the same.

Another difference is that up is down, and down is up, but that’s really just semantics, and in Opposite Land semantics are meaningless.

One great thing is that in Opposite Land, I have wasted exactly zero hours on my phone playing Triple Match Master 3D because playing Triple Match Master 3D is never a waste of time. In fact, it has helped me increase my fine motor skills so much that I am now the world’s most renowned spinal surgeon. That’s why I earn so much worthless money.

Here, the only thing money can buy is happiness, but most people prefer to be morose, which kind of takes the pressure off, to be honest.

When things are going well, people say, “You should worry. Things will probably not work out.” Toxic negativity is very popular in Opposite Land.

I don’t have any children in Opposite Land. Nevertheless, I am a complete expert on parenting and freely share my advice, which means that if you meet me, I am an absolute pleasure to talk to.

People here often look at my arm and say, “I don’t want to know what your tattoo says,” which is strange because in Opposite Land, I don’t have a tattoo, just a lot of dog scratches.

It’s a huge relief that in Opposite Land, I don’t care one bit about how I look, because a woman’s value is not predicated on her appearance. The most valuable trait a woman can possess is consistently speaking up in meetings.

Another thing women are valued for is the enormous amount of emotional labor they contribute to society. This labor is so valued that it is well-compensated. Of course, since money is virtually worthless, emotional labor is instead rewarded with something much more precious: packages of Oreos.

Climate change doesn’t exist in Opposite Land. In Opposite Land, there is only “climate same,” and it is an issue that everyone takes seriously. We take it so seriously that we did something about it and created climate change, only we changed the climate for the better.

In Opposite Land, we now have, on average, twelve more days of perfect sweater weather per year. That, along with the amazing social safety net and the harmonious and civil political system, make Opposite Land a pretty great place.

In fact, it would be almost perfect if only Oreos here actually tasted good.