Why am I devastated after my abusive partner died? 

DEAR DEIDRE: BEFORE he died, my partner made my life a living hell. 

He was abusive for years, and I thought I’d be happy once he was gone. But instead I feel consumed by grief and can’t stop crying. 

I’m 46 and my partner was 52 when he died of cancer, just over a month ago. 

We were together for 12 years and for much of it he treated me appallingly.

He would put me down, tell me I was ugly, stop me seeing friends and family and control my whole life – what I ate, what I wore, who I saw. 

It took me a long time to realise that he was abusive because my self-esteem was so low. 

Two years ago, I started preparing to leave him – and that’s when he was diagnosed with bowel cancer. 

There was no way I could walk out while he was having treatment, so I felt I had to stay until he was better. 

But he didn’t get better.

Now he’s gone and I am so confused about my feelings. I miss him – even though I hated him a lot of the time – and I’m also angry.

And I remember nice things he said and did and keep feeling guilty that I almost left. 

I don’t have anyone I can talk to and nobody would understand. 

DEIDRE SAYS: The complex mix of emotions you’re dealing with is absolutely natural. It’s a type of ‘disenfranchised grief’. 

While your partner’s death may be a relief as the abuse has ended, it’s still a loss, as you loved him.

You never got the chance to stand up to him or leave. 

Please talk to a counsellor. Try The Good Grief Trust (thegoodgrieftrust.org).

My support pack about bereavement should help too. 

It might also be helpful to read my support pack, Abusive Partner and talk to one of the organisations listed.