Why won’t my lover commit to me after leaving his wife?

DEAR DEIDRE: Hearing that my married lover had finally left his wife, I felt ecstatic about getting this gorgeous man all to myself – at last.

But after eight months of the most frustrating situationship, I’m beginning to feel like I was better off as his mistress.

At least I knew my place then.

The last thing I want to do is scare him off but living in a constant state of limbo is making me miserable.

I’m 38, my lover is 43.

I travel to London a lot for work and we initially crossed paths at a conference. From our first conversation, it was obvious that we had a connection and it didn’t take long before we ended up in bed together.

I was conflicted about him having a wife, but he made it clear things had turned sour and it was only a matter of time before they split up.

We had been sneaking around for months until one day he finally announced that they were getting a divorce.

I was ecstatic, I thought finally I’d have his undivided attention and commitment. Yet months later nothing has changed.

Every time I’m in town we spend all our time together, and whenever we’re apart we’re in constant communication through text and phone calls. He constantly tells me how much I mean to him and that he couldn’t be without me.

However, every time I bring up commitment he insists it’s too soon.

We act like a couple anyway, so why doesn’t he want to define our relationship?

I feel so stuck.

DEIDRE SAYS: You deserve so much more.

It’s understandable that he may need time to get over his previous marriage. He may be nervous about taking that jump again, because any marriage breakdown is hard to process.

However, you need to ask yourself how long you are willing to wait.
Talk to him about how devalued you feel. Let him know that while you adore him you can’t put your life on hold forever.

The hard truth is he may never be ready to take that step with you and the longer you wait around the more resentful you will become.

You would both benefit from relationship counselling; for him to work through the sadness of his marriage breakdown and appreciate your perspective.

Therapy would help you understand his position and decide what is best for you (tavistockrelationships.org.uk) can help.

I’m sending you my support pack when Your Man Won’t Commit to help.