Army falls short of robot recruiting goal
PENTAGON — The U.S. Army has fallen short of its fiscal year 2024 robot recruiting goal by a staggering 27%, Pentagon sources report.
“There is a lot of hand-wringing over the army’s failure to meet its manpower and recruiting goals,” said Col. Francis Park, an army strategist who authored an 837-page classified report on robot accessions. “Future warfare will be more technological and automated. We don’t need more soldiers, we need more robots. We're falling short on recruiting soldiers, but also, we are falling short on recruiting robots."
The report says that future combat support military occupational specialties will be reduced by the labor-saving measures of artificial intelligence, which the Army also does not have.
“The Army in 2040 will be fighting large-scale combat operations in a contested, multi-domain environment,” Park continued. “If we fail to adapt to technology our enemies will destroy us with it. The insistence on manpower will be our Maginot line. That’s why units must train with the robots we have now and not wait for a perfect solution,” said Park, as he completed a 22-mile ruck march alongside his military working dogs Poo-chi and Tekno and platoon sergeant Teddy Ruxpin.
Recruiting robots has been difficult due to supply chain issues and chip shortages. The robots will require secure cyber networks and soldiers trained to secure those cyber networks, which it also does not have.
While recruiting humans has been a challenge, recruiting robots has also been a challenge, according to the report. Human soldiers continue to demand edible food, mold-free barracks, and Zyn. Robots, however, demand a clear articulation of requirements, capabilities, and missions. Both require funding and occasionally develop sentience and flagrantly disregard orders.
“I don’t understand,” said Staff Sgt. Dawayne Lloyd, a recruiter in Montgomery, Alabama. “I used my rizz on them robots and no leads. T-shirts, stress balls, a pop-a-shot competition. This robot generation is different. No work ethic. No value for service.”
The robot recruiting shortfall has drawn the target towards the army in the Pentagon, where the Navy manipulated their numbers to cover similar shortfalls, allegedly counting the dishwashers on the USS Zumwalt as autonomous. At the time of printing, Col. Park was delaying writing a new report on human-machine teaming to supervise a human vacuuming his office, since the Pentagon will not approve Roombas.
Blondes Over Baghdad lets someone else take the top block because it’s the selfless service thing to do. She’ll go to ranger school when there’s a 3-beer policy. Follow her on Twitter at @BlondsOvrBaghd.