Miss Manners: I didn’t tip him, and I was flustered by his response

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Because of a chronic illness, I have to go to a clinic in an urban setting three to four times per week.

Because street parking is difficult to obtain, the clinic offers valet parking. The valet ticket states that “gratuities are not required.”

I had been using this valet service for about four months when, as the attendant brought my car back to me, he said that gratuities are not expected, but are very much appreciated. He said this in a very calm, professional, not at all demanding voice.

I was taken aback and felt that it was forward, and I now have that little voice in my head suggesting that I am in the wrong.

Should I be tipping the valet for my doctor’s appointments and therapies? It certainly wouldn’t be a large imposition to give $1 per park, but I honestly thought that it wasn’t required.

GENTLE READER: You can hardly be faulted for taking the posted sign literally, although it is, upon closer reading, not particularly helpful.

Some medical facilities ban tipping because they pay parking attendants a living wage, and do not want patients with medical conditions to forgo using the valet because of the cost. Others are out to make a buck and do not much care if the staff feels the same way. Some post ambiguous signs, presumably to have it both ways.

You could ask your doctor, if you think the hospital’s policy is different from the attendant’s. Or you could decide for yourself.

Miss Manners wishes she could be more helpful, but she finds tipping an abhorrent practice — used so often as a way of shifting the responsibility of providing decent wages.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A pair of neighbors hosted my wife and me for an impromptu dinner, to which we contributed a nice salad.

The food was fine, the apartment lovely. We have sent them a thank-you note.

I know that we aren’t required to reciprocate by inviting them to dinner in our apartment (thank goodness). But honestly, I don’t want to reciprocate at all. One of them is a nonstop talker who lacks a “mute” button; the other, though necessarily quieter, is a bit on the supercilious side.

We’re sure to see them again. We all live in a nice retirement community, where there are restaurants and a lot of socializing.

Do we have to invite them to join us at a restaurant at some point? If so, may we try to “dilute” them by inviting others? And how long are we allowed to delay?

GENTLE READER: Your confidence that you are not required to reciprocate in your apartment, though technically correct, startles Miss Manners, as she thinks of the restaurant alternative as an escape clause more than a proper equivalent.

However, your real problem is that you did not like this couple and do not want to continue the friendship. The correct solution is not to delay: You need to reciprocate promptly — though you may throw in as many other guests as you can manage. You may then discover that you are busy when this couple issues subsequent invitations.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.