Patriotic soldier loves America so much he’s plotting to overthrow it
WASHINGTON — Sgt. Roger “Patriot Eagle” Johnson, a fervent believer in freedom, liberty, and whatever’s on the dark side of YouTube, has reportedly taken his love of country to the next level: orchestrating a patriotic coup to “restore” the very government he swore to defend.
Johnson’s passion for his nation reportedly began as a young boy, watching bald eagles soar across the sky and weeping every time Toby Keith hit a high note. Over time, this burning love for the red, white, and blue has spiraled into far higher levels of enthusiasm.
“The Founding Fathers, man,” said Johnson. “They’d want this. Jefferson had like 12 AR-15s back in 1776, and Washington? That dude had a tank.”
When asked where he learned this information, Johnson pointed to a stack of printed Facebook memes.
“These are my primary sources. You should really do your own research to find the truth,” he said, nodding proudly.
Inspired by his idol, retired Lt. Gen. Mike “Let’s Make that Foreign Monnnnney” Flynn, Johnson says he’s ready to lead a movement of like-minded patriots who prefer their constitutions with a side of conspiracy and their oaths of enlistment interpreted very loosely.
“I’ve read every one of Mike Flynn’s tweets,” said Johnson while standing before a tactical map of D.C. pinned to his barracks wall. “That man has vision. And just like him, I’ve realized this government is too stable for my liking. The only way to fix it is by, uh, legally installing myself as leader—through force, if necessary—and then making those big bucks. That’s not treason; that’s just the ultimate act of patriotism.”
Sources say Johnson’s plan, much like Flynn’s post-retirement career, relies heavily on half-baked strategies, wild assumptions, and deep faith in “the real American people” comprised of 38 random guys from his Facebook group. His current blueprint involves a three-step process:
Take over the local Home Depot parking lot.
Declare it as a sovereign nation.
Expand slowly into federal buildings, one hot dog cart at a time.
“The government’s corrupt,” Johnson explained, shaking his head while wearing a uniform provided to him by the government. “They’ve strayed from the Constitution. That’s why I’m setting up my own government. I’ll run it out of the barracks at first—real grassroots stuff. We’ll start by reinstating all the good parts of America, like leaded gasoline, women not being able to open their own credit cards before 1974, and whatever Mike Flynn said in that podcast I fell asleep to last night.”
When asked for comment, Flynn told reporters, “Listen, I may have mentioned something about coups in passing, but that’s not—okay, no, actually that is what I meant.”
The military has issued several warnings about Johnson’s growing “Patriot Eagle Army,” though insiders admit they’re not overly concerned.
“Last we checked, his ‘forces’ were two guys and a Golden Retriever. We aren’t sure where he got the Golden Retriever,” said Pentagon spokesperson Lt. Col. Susana Bright. “Honestly, we’re just watching to see if it gets funny. Right now, he’s got a tent outside Fort Liberty with a handwritten sign that says ‘Future HQ of the Real USA.’ It’s adorable.”
Despite the lack of actual recruits, Johnson remains determined, holding nightly fireside Zoom chats with his group to discuss strategy and share the latest memes about the deep state.
“The Founding Fathers didn’t have Twitter, but if they did, they’d be tweeting exactly what I’m thinking,” Johnson declared. “And that’s why I’m here: to do what George Washington would’ve done if he had access to the truth.”
Johnson says he's been networking hard when asked how he plans to recruit more soldiers to his cause. “I’ve been sliding into Flynn’s DMs for months. No response yet, but it’s only a matter of time. Patriots gotta stick together, you know? That, and my Discord has grown to twelve people.”
Meanwhile, the rest of Johnson’s platoon remains unimpressed.
“Yeah, he keeps telling us the plan is going to ‘blow up’ in a good way,” said Pfc. Terry Simmons. “But last I checked, he was still arguing with the local Home Depot manager about how many pallets of sandbags he’s allowed to take.”
Asked what happens if his patriotic coup fails, Johnson smiled confidently, saying, “Fail? That’s not an option. Not when you’re this in love with freedom. I’ll just keep doing what Flynn does—sell some shirts, write a book, maybe hit the speaking circuit. See if Turkey or Egypt wants to give me a million dollars. Heck, I’ll start my own patriot-themed podcast. This movement’s just getting started!”
At press time, Johnson was seen shopping for surplus uniforms online and making vague references to “1776” while building a makeshift podium for what he calls “the New Continental Congress,” otherwise known as the six lawn chairs outside his barracks.
Grumpy contributed to reporting.