Voters of America as Explained by Their Pants
Cat-Hair-Covered Yoga Pants: Voted for Harris
Toupee-Hair-Covered Suit Pants: Voted for Trump
Bear-Hair-Covered Vintage L.L.Bean Board Shorts: Wrote in “RFK Jr. + The Worm”
Pants Worn Only Every Four Years That Were Bought by Someone Else: Voted for Jill Stein
Frayed Corduroys That Nobody Wants or Needs: Voted for Cornel West
Fair-Trade, Ethically Sourced Cotton Trousers: Did not vote in protest
Novelty Pajama Bottoms with Weed Motif: Forgot to vote
Wasn’t Sure Which Pants to Wear: Did not vote because busy giving interview to New York Times about being undecided
Pink Capri Pants: Told husband she voted for Trump but voted for Harris
Blue Capri Pants: Told husband he voted for Harris but voted for Trump
Black-Belted Denim That Barely Covers Pale White Belly: Voted for Trump but only because he gave him $75 million after destroying Twitter
Red, White, and Blue Bodybuilding Pants: Duh
Tactical Ripstop Pants with Zip Ties in Pocket: Double Duh
Sweatpants That Say I’M VOTING FOR THE FELON: Not allowed to vote due to wearing “electioneering” clothing
Sweatpants That Say ORANGE LIVES MATTER: Not allowed to vote due to wearing something so fucking stupid
Modest Full-Length Skirt So Jesus Can’t See Ankles: Voted for JD Vance
Khakis Bought at Macy’s in an Effort to Look Like a Totally Normal Person, After Telling Sales Clerk to Give Her Job to a Man and Go Birth a Bunch of Babies: Is JD Vance
Snow Pants with Tater Tot Hotdish Stain: Voted for Tim Walz
Snow Pants with Tater Tot Hotdish Stain: Is Tim Walz
Wrangler Jeans with Ivermectin Stain: Voted for Trump
Blue Suit Pants with Ketchup Stain: Is Trump
Tan Suit Pants the Color of a Coconut: Voted for Harris
Tan Suit Pants the Color of a Coconut That Will Soon Be on Stage Celebrating a Victory for Democracy: Is Harris