Jacob Rees-Mogg should be in the jungle and not on a lame Kardashians rip-off with his family
BOUNDING around Australia at this very moment are a pair of kangaroo testicles with the name “Jacob Rees-Mogg” written all over them.
You know it, I know it, the poor kangaroo probably knows it.
Even the former MP’s sister Annunziata knows it and wasted no time, back in the summer, telling Jacob’s wife Helena: “He could always go for Strictly or I’m A Celeb.”
“He could indeed,” I agreed and the fact he’s not there right now, trying to stir some life into a dreadful series, is an act of gross negligence on ITV’s part.
I have to keep telling myself it will eventually happen, though, as the alternative is a sequel to the Discovery+ channel’s fly-on-the-wall series Meet The Rees-Moggs.
A rather lame Kardashians copy, this one, filmed before, during and after a Tory election disaster that left Jacob feeling “phlegmatic” and “sanguine”.
Stitch-up job
Which, by an amazing coincidence, were also his next choice of children’s names if his wife Helena hadn’t shut up shop after six.
The unavoidable issue here, however, is that if a week is a long time in politics, five months of Starmageddon is an absolute eternity and one that’s left Britain with a whole new raft of political hate figures who really should include Jacob’s North East Somerset nemesis, Dan Norris, a classic Labour snake oil salesman who was born in London, to a sales manager father, but doesn’t even blink when he tells one horny-handed constituent: “My family are from mining stock too.”
The chances of any network attempting a stitch-up job with the current administration, though, are almost nil.
So we’re lumbered here with what feels more like a History Channel piece where it’s not long before a fairly predictable pattern is established: Jacob goes out campaigning, someone shouts “W***er” and then scarpers.
Whereas you, I or someone more suited to the format might chase after them, Jacob simply shouts back: “Thank you so much,” and smiles with the assurance of a man who knows he’s won the argument before it’s even begun.
The opposition’s loathing is sincere, obviously, but what’s never been clearer is the fact Rees-Mogg is an unfailingly courteous and friendly soul who’s very obviously adored by his family and inspires a Ted and Ralph-style Fast Show devotion in members of his staff like Shaun, who has to wipe “POSH TW*T” graffiti off his mum’s election posters and clean the Bentley, and housekeeper Sara, who’s busy starching his undercrackers when she drops the bombshell: “He likes it quite stiff, doesn’t he, Jacob.”
I got a similar jolt when, in the opening show, Jacob admitted: “I sleep completely still,” as I thought he might confirm the rumours he beds down every night in a coffin.
But it’s nothing of the sort, sadly, and the series was in real trouble by episode four when “the boss man” suddenly decided he wanted to build a duck pond and the production team woke up to the idea this show could become another Clarkson’s Farm.
The opposition’s loathing is sincere, obviously, but what’s never been clearer is the fact Rees-Mogg is an unfailingly courteous and friendly soul
The problem was, building a duck pond would also have involved hard work and battling the sort of council bureaucracy Jeremy was born to destroy but Jacob Rees-Mogg hasn’t the will even to fight, so he gives up the idea.
A perfect explanation, right there, for the state of the Conservative Party, which hates state interference but just can’t be arsed to do anything about it.
A lesson that I suspect will be lost on Jacob, who may be utterly obsessed with politics, but doesn’t seem to be all that good at it and ends the series backing Robert Jenrick for leader in return for the role of party chairman, which would’ve seen him in charge of trying to reconnect with the youth vote.
An idea so bats**t crazy not even Conservative Party members voted for it, which left Jacob in an outward state of denial about the future, while inwardly probably accepting the inevitable.
“If I wanted to maintain a profile, I’d go into the jungle,” said Jacob, almost measuring himself up for a bush hat. “But that’s not what I want to do.
“I want to be part of the rebuilding of the Conservative Party.”
Hold on to your knackers, Skippy. Incoming.
Roo you trying to kid?
OVER on I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!, an anxious Coleen Rooney doesn’t want to be seen bragging, “because that’s not the person I am”.
It’s quite the opposite, in fact. She’s a down-to-earth-regular-kind-of-gal.
However . . .
Since she’s been in that jungle, I have also discovered she lives in a mansion which sounds more like a Bond villain’s lair, with four bars, two lakes and underground tunnel, is “very used to driving big cars” and has dined at the White House, where Donald Trump was so overcome he said to his son: “I told you all the soccer players got the good-looking girls.”
Begging the question, who was she standing next to at the time?
These are also the sort of humble brags I’d quite enjoy if it was a better series and Coleen and the other campmates could just smile upon their good fortune and crack on with the entertainment.
But instead, they break off most nights to share their anguish about “life in the public spotlight”, while sitting firmly in the public spotlight of TV’s biggest reality show.
A couple have a point and some deserved sympathy, of course. I draw the line, however, at that shrieking Love Island banshee Maura Higgins who spent Monday’s episode scolding the Press for “only giving a s**t about my love life” before ordering us to “get f***ing over it now. Love Island was five years ago”.
Since which time, she’s gone on to guest host such rich and varied shows as Love Island: Aftersun, Love Island USA: Aftersun and Love Island Games.
So come on, guys, get f***ing over the Love Island thing.
MASTERCHEF: The Professionals, Gregg Wallace to Gaston: “How do I say goodbye in Greek?”
You Google Translate “Greek women of a certain age” and the rest takes care of itself.
Bye, Gregg.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “In 1254 King Louis IX banned what board game in France?” Frank: “Scrabble.”
Bradley Walsh: “Which future Prime Minister asked for a Vogue subscription on Desert Island Discs?”
Maya: “Churchill.”
Bradley Walsh: “In which century did the Battle of Waterloo take place?”
Sarah: “The tenth.”
The Chase: Celebrity Special, Bradley Walsh: “In 2007, what sportsman became the first living person on a Swiss stamp?”
Biggins: “The Queen.”
Random TV irritations
C4’s ever-selective The Last Leg ignoring the resignation of convicted Cabinet fraudster Louise Haigh.
Alan Cumming looking more pleased with himself than any man alive when he referred to God as “She”, on Scotland’s Poshest Train.
Bone-brained I’m A Celeb “influencer” GK Barry having not the slightest clue when World War Two took place.
And Melanie Sykes revealing Gregg Wallace forced her to give up her TV presenting career, as it could blind people to the fact there was a downside to his behaviour as well.
INSIDE Greggs At Christmas? OK.
Inside Gregg’s At Christmas? Really not OK.
STRICTLY’S winner-in-waiting Chris McCausland has just performed a joyful quickstep with Dianne Buswell to You’re The Top, from the musical Anything Goes.
The emotional crowd has risen as one to acclaim him. So what’s the absolute last thing the host should say to him now?
“Can you see how happy she is with you?”
No, Tess, he can’t.
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the week. Legends Of Comedy, Lenny Henry: “It’s hard to imagine the comedy world without Romesh Ranganathan.” Strictly Come Dancing, Layton Williams: “Titanique the musical is fun, it’s fabulous and you’re gonna love it.”
And I’m A Celebrity, Dean McCullough: “You wouldn’t believe how boring it gets in there.”
Trust me, we would, Dean.
Great sporting insights
GARY NEVILLE: “Look at the City players, all static. There’s Foden making a run.”
Jamie Carragher: “There’s been plenty of negative negativity.”
And Jamie Mackie: “There was a lot of space in that space.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
TV Gold
A POSTURING lawyer and his low-life drug-dealing client getting their perfect comeuppance at the end of another compelling episode of Channel 4’s 24 Hours In Police Custody.
The funny but very disturbing noises coming from Inside Barlinnie, on the day Celtic play Rangers (BBC2). Channel 4’s gripping mini-series drama Berlin Wall.
And the two saving graces on a dreadful series of I’m A Celebrity – the setting and the characteristically swift response of Declan Donnelly when Reverend Richard Coles saw a camel’s anus heading his way at the last eating challenge: “I think that might be an arsehole.”
“That’s my mate you’re talking about.”
Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is Professor Knight, from Monsters University, and Gregg Wallace.
Sent in by Chris Davies, Bridgend, South Wales.