‘Real Housewives of Orange County: The gong show
Heather Dubrow is known for her over-the-top soirees, as her husband, Terry Dubrow, and viewers of “The Real Housewives of Orange County” are well aware.
Still, there’s over-the-top and then there’s the party Heather is throwing this week.
“How much does this party cost relative to the Nobu party?” Terry asks Heather, referring to the infamous $35,000 shindig Heather threw in 2021, most of that going to Nobu’s high-end sushi, little of which actually got eaten when the housewives began devouring each other. “Like two times? Three times?”
Heather and Terry have plenty of money.
“I’m going to call it four,” Heather says as Terry splutters halfheartedly that the last one only cost $35,000.
“Yeah, but that was at our house,” she replies.
So it’s $140,000, give or take a few thousand here, or $2,800 for each of the 50 on her guest list.
“I feel like I have an obligation to throw a certain level of party,” Heather says in a camera confessional. “I have a fabulous girl sitting in a huge champagne coupe glass to pour champs. I’ve got people rolling joints. I’ve got – “
I’m sorry, did she just say people rolling joints? Why, yes, she did, and as we later discover, there is a marijuana bar, though we don’t actually see one of these handcrafted joints because Terry has somehow already lost his.
“I’ve got two guys doing haikus,” Heather continues, and we cut to young men at retro-modern typewriters.
“I’ve got sushi, sliders, French fries, and caviar ‘bumps’,” she adds.
If you’re wondering what a caviar bump is, picture someone about to snort a wee mound of cocaine from the back of their hand between forefinger and thumb. Now picture a dollop of caviar in that same spot. But do NOT snort it! Instead, lick it up like you’re a cat, if your cat threw $140,000 shindigs for his pals. Congratulations, you’ve just done a caviar bump.
The party, we should note, is being held inside the former headquarters of Paul and Jan Crouch’s Trinity Broadcasting Network in Costa Mesa. Which is perfect in that the gaudy temple of excess was to Christianity what “Real Housewives” is to, well, real housewives.
The housewives begin to arrive, and there’s tension in the air. Not only is Shannon Storms Beador a whirling tempest over Katie Ginella’s teapot-sized offense, Tamra Judge and Jenn Pedranti are battling, too, mostly over Tamra’s supposed fear that Jenn’s fiancé Ryan has threatened to sue her.
Shannon arrives with Phil, who is the second gentleman she met and rejected while on Bravo’s dating show “Love Hotel” a few months ago. He’s tan in a George Hamilton-esque way.
Shannon is immediately drawn into one of Heather’s party games. Handed a shot glass made of ice, Shannon is told to down it in a gulp and then hurl the ice shot glass at a large gong that Heather apparently keeps around the house.
Does Shannon hit the gong with the glass on her first try from about 10 feet? Have you met Shannon? Does she hit it on her second try? No, seriously, this is Shannon we’re talking about. Finally, we and the remaining shot glasses are put out of our misery on the third try.
Across the room, Emily Simpson is asking Gretchen Rossi how her sex life is going now that she and partner Slade Smiley have started using testosterone to spark things up. It’s, um, a mixed bag, you could say.
“I broke his penis, for real,” Gretchen confesses, and Slade goes, ‘Hey, hey, hey.” “Yeah, it’s like a real medical thing where I actually broke it.”
Slade, apparently now resigned to this, leans to confirm. “It happened,” he says, nodding his head.
I’m sorry, could I get another couple of those shots, please?
Gretchen and Emily use their index fingers to act out what happened to Slade’s prized possession. Gretchen reveals that she named it after one of author J.M. Barrie’s pirates, and when this is finally over, no one looks more relieved than Emily’s husband, Shane.
All this time, Katie and Shannon have been eyeing each other across the room. Shannon is definitely giving the stink eye. Katie’s is a more pleading eye, one that says I hope I survive this night.
“Why is Heather over there chitchatting with Katie?” Shannon asks Phil. “Are you (bleeping) kidding me?”
Katie tells Jenn and Gina that she wants to go talk with her, but “I don’t want it to get loud.” Good luck with that, Katie!
Katie goes over the Shannon. The other housewives hover a little bit closer.
“I mean, I’m hoping it’s not going to be very bad,” Gretchen says.
“It’s gonna be bad,” Emily replies.
Katie tries to be calm and polite, but she’s no match for Shannon’s red-hot fury. It quickly builds to a very loud peak.
“Let me make this clear, Katie Ginella, I will never speak to you again,” Shannon shouts.
Yeah, by episode 10, they’ll be best buds again.
“You are the most evil person I have ever met,” she continues.
You really should get out more, Shannon.
“I am not going to let you rile me up!” Shannon cries.
Elsewhere in this episode:
— Alas, after stuffing donuts in her coat pocket on the premiere and a raw egg in her purse last week, Emily’s secret stashes are empty this week. But all is not lost. While bowling with several others, she rolls a ball with one hand while still holding her chicken finger in the other.
— Katie, trying to win back her friendship with Gina Kirschenheiter, takes her to a spa for a deep cleanse of her scalp. Fun? I guess?
“You know what they’re going to find?” Gina asks Katie. “Nine kinds of dry shampoo.”
Later, she warns the attendant that a Lego might fall out.
— As Tamra arrives for lunch at Mozambique with Heather, we learn that Tamra has been holding a grudge against a parrot in the restaurant for eight years. Literally, a parrot.
Apparently, when she arrived there in 2017, the poor bird squawked and Tamra thought it had called her “old.” We get a clip of this, of course, and does it sound like “old”? Hard to say.