Asking Eric: The aunt he barely knows is trying to take over his wedding
Dear Eric: I’m conflicted about whether or not to invite my sister to my son’s wedding.
My sister and I have never been close. She was never very kind to, nor interested in, my son, my husband or me. We’ve had entire decades of silence while she lived a relatively chaotic life.
She’s divorced, estranged from her adult children, and her son didn’t invite her to his own wedding.
She has recently accepted that she’s suffering from a lifetime of mental illness. I’m back in her life as a supporter of it all, and intensely proud of her path.
I mentioned to her that my son is getting married. I now regret letting my excitement lead to sharing the news.
She’s started to text me with opinions about wedding details — down to how the bride should wear her hair.
She’s critical of the couple’s decision to use my wedding band and my deceased husband’s to craft one my son will wear proudly as a symbol of his parents’ 33-year marriage and how we helped him become who he is today. My sister calls it “weird” and can’t imagine why I would allow that. It’s a personal, meaningful choice that is frankly none of her business.
I’ll be speaking at the events for my husband and for myself. My sister has opinions about that, too.
She’s also expressed a desire to stay with me for the month before the wedding so she can “help” me “deal with” my relatives on my husband’s side. My son and I are very close to them. Her reply: “You’ve always prioritized them over me, but, oh well. It gives me a chance to reintroduce myself to them. I need family, too.” My in-laws have never cared for her and don’t think of her as family.
Bottom line: My son and his fianceé welcome her, if I choose. I’d like to give my sister the benefit of the doubt, let go of her strange opinions and invite her. But I also want to enjoy the festivities free of what could potentially be a negative for me.
What’s your take?
– Conflicted Mother of Groom-To-Be
Dear Mother: If you invite your sister, you need to be very clear with yourself and with her about the boundaries that attend this invitation.
For instance, she absolutely does not need to come a month in advance. You can tell her, “Thank you for the offer, but that’s not the help I need. Why don’t you come the day before, when we’ll be ready to host guests?”
It’s important to be explicit about what is and is not helpful. It’s also necessary and appropriate to have a frank conversation with her about her commentary. She may mean well, but she has to hear and understand that the critiques about the wedding are off-limits. It’s OK to say, “I don’t want opinions, and if you insist on sharing them, it’s going to impact my enjoyment of this time.”
Let her response to this conversation guide your decision. She may double-down or dismiss you. If so, that’s when you point out the boundary.
This is a special time that you and your family are putting a lot of work into. Opinions are not helpful. You need certain things in order to enjoy the day. If she won’t honor that, she’s choosing not to come.
Dear Eric: I have moved to a new community, and many of the older residents keep asking me what church I go to.
I have not attended any church for decades, as the church I went to preached things that were not practiced.
One of these older residents of the community has told me that the Bible actually says that the races should not intermarry because each race has its own disease and God did this so people would not intermarry. He is extremely prejudiced. I have not confronted him on the hateful language he uses.
How do I tell these people I am not discussing religion or have no plans to attend any church?
– Still Trying to Be Polite
Dear Polite: There are so many different churches and so many different ways of practicing one’s faith. So, I hope for your sake that the one prejudiced resident is not representative of the views of the others in the community. It’s likely they go to a number of different churches, and hopefully they have a more accurate understanding of religious doctrine. At the very least, avoid him.
You don’t have to be polite in the face of hate. You can tell him plainly, “I don’t want to hear this, and I won’t discuss this with you anymore.”
As for the others, they may be asking out of general curiosity. It’s not impolite to tell them the simple truth: You don’t go to church. Then change the subject.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.