Dear Abby: A secret from my former marriage is hanging over me
DEAR ABBY: I am a retired Marine who married my supervisor’s daughter. I’ll call her “Zoe.” He and I were good friends.
Zoe and I divorced in 1997. During the marriage, I found out that my friend was not her real father. It was a family secret that accidentally got out.
Zoe and I had a daughter, “Ellie.” When I discovered when she was 13 that she wasn’t mine, I was furious. I eventually accepted Ellie as my own because I was the only father she had ever known, and it wouldn’t change anything.
Now, years later, I have remarried and raised two stepsons as my own. Ellie has three kids. Sometimes, I want to tell her the truth, and other times, I just want to leave all this alone.
What should I really do?
— HISTORY REPEATS IN ALABAMA
DEAR H.R.: You are a caring, responsible man. I will assume that you and Ellie have a warm, ongoing relationship.
Your daughter deserves to know that while you have always loved her, you are not her biological father. Does anyone know who he may be? This is important information she might want to have in case there are health problems that run in bio-dad’s family that could be passed down to her children.
DEAR ABBY: Four months ago, my oldest child, 15 years old, was killed in a car accident.
It has been really hard. My husband and I are doing our best to take care of our younger children and put our lives back together.
One thing I don’t know what to do about is all the mail I have received from my estranged relatives. None of them came for the service, but aunts, uncles, cousins and even my dad’s ex-wife wrote cards and condolence letters.
It’s all paper mail because I have an unlisted phone number and private email address and don’t use social media so they can’t follow me.
There are good reasons why we haven’t been in touch.
I do not have the energy to restart these relationships, especially not now, but I also feel the letters were sent with kind intent and ignoring them would be cold. Is there a way to acknowledge the (minimal) support without opening Pandora’s box?
I guess I want to discharge the social obligation of replying so I can be polite without losing the healthy distance I’ve been able to establish.
— DISTANT IN ALASKA
DEAR DISTANT: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic and untimely loss of your child.
Because you feel socially obligated to acknowledge the condolences your family sent, consider buying (or having printed) standard cards that say, “The family of (blank) acknowledge with gratitude your kind expression of sympathy.”
It would be a warm and gracious touch to add, if possible, a few handwritten words to each one. Because you can’t send love, they need only be, “We hope you and your family are well,” and sign your name.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.