I'm A Therapist, This Is What I Want Everyone To Know About Being An Estranged Parent

You’ve probably heard that there is major discord in camp Beckham right now. 

Reports about a supposed feud among the celebrity family have been bubbling away for months, which all culminated in Brooklyn Peltz Beckham sharing a string of Instagram story posts this week, in which he laid out his reasons that he had no intention of reconciling with his famous parents, Sir David and Victoria Beckham.

In the social media posts, Brooklyn accused his parents of “controlling” and “performative” behaviour, as well as alleging that his family had tried to “ruin” his relationship with his wife Nicola Peltz Beckham since before they were married. 

Brooklyn also alleged that Victoria had pulled out of designing Nicola’s wedding dress at the eleventh hour before their big day, and “hijacked” his first dance leaving him the most “uncomfortable” and “humiliated” he’d felt in his “entire life”. 

Brooklyn, 26, is the eldest of the Beckham children, followed by Romeo, 23, Cruz, 20, and Harper, who is 14. In his emotive posts, he concluded: “The narrative that my wife controls me is completely backwards. I have been controlled by my parents for most of my life. I grew up with overwhelming anxiety.

“For the first time in my life, since stepping away from my family, that anxiety has disappeared. I wake up every morning grateful for the life I chose, and have found peace and relief.

“My wife and I do not want a life shaped by image, press, or manipulation. All we want is peace, privacy and happiness for us and our future family.”

As the news broke, HuffPost UK contacted representatives for Sir David and Victoria Beckham for comment but did not receive a response. Neither parent has directly addressed Brooklyn’s claims in the press this week. 

The family breakdown has prompted a slew of debate online, with plenty of people weighing in on whether they’re “team Brooklyn” or “team Victoria and David”. 

While we won’t fully know what has gone on behind closed doors, it’s clear that it will be very painful for both sides. It has taken courage for Brooklyn to distance himself so publicly, and many therapists on social media have noted that this likely will have been a last resort, after many small moments of “emotional misattunement”. Some described it as “death by a thousand cuts”.

But for his parents, this will also be an extremely difficult time. Therapist Heidi Soholt, who is a member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), said it may trigger “extremely complex and painful feelings” such as anger, despair, rejection, shame and grief, and “estranged parents will need a lot of support and understanding to deal with these” (and let’s face it, the family aren’t typically receiving much of that on social media or in the press).

“While this form of estrangement is relatively common, there is an element of stigma around it. Estranged parents will often feel judged and isolated, deepening feelings of shame and guilt,” said the therapist.

Her advice for estranged parents

This is a painful loss, said the therapist. “There is both physical and emotional loss involved. The everyday things that so many parents take for granted; simple acts of caring for your child, feeding them, comforting them, feeling their presence in the home, will no longer be experienced in the same way.”

As with bereavement, the therapist suggested parents in this position will pass through a range of stages and phases, all necessary in order to move towards acceptance of the new situation they find themselves in. 

Her advice is simple: “Take the time and care you need for yourself, try to hold on to hope. Children are never static in their development, they are in a state of flux, constantly growing and changing. With maturity comes an ability to think independently. Their perceptions and opinions may change, with time. 

“Finding a way of letting them know you love and are there for them is important. Try to stay away from creating hostility around their choices. Your emotions are valid, and need an outlet, but try to find others to support you with these.”

Reflect on your own behaviour

Dorcy Pruter, the founder of the Conscious Co-Parenting Institute, who began her business after reconnecting with her father following years of estrangement, previously told HuffPost UK that small moments of emotional misattunement like “dismissed feelings” and “subtle control” can all add up over time to contribute towards a child stepping back. 

Her advice is that when parents finds themselves surprised or mystified by estrangement, “the most powerful question they can ask is not ‘what went wrong?’ but: ‘what truth did my child not feel safe enough to tell me?’”

“Is it helpful to reflect? Yes, but only if the reflection is rooted in curiosity, not guilt or blame,” she said. “Parents must be willing to trade the need to be ‘right’ for the courage to reconnect. That means listening to the silence not as a punishment, but as a message.”

While this is obviously a really difficult time, it’s crucial for estranged parents to really reflect on how they’ve behaved throughout the relationship. “Taking a ‘personal inventory’ can be very helpful both in coming to terms with what has happened, and the possibility of future reconciliation,” added Soholt.

“If there are amends to be made, then an honest, genuine apology can be a powerful step towards healing.”

Everyone makes mistakes, and even parents need to say sorry if they want to heal ruptures.

Don’t blame others for what has happened

As tempting as it can be, Soholt urges estranged parents to “try not to get involved in blaming tactics”. 

“If you think your child is being pressured to distance themselves then it is natural to feel anger, even rage, triggered by a sense of powerlessness,” she said. It’s common for parents to blame partners or spouses in this instance, but it’s never really helpful – and can simply widen the divide even more. 

“Try to find another outlet for these [emotions] – remember your child could be witnessing your reactions. Directing your feelings at them, or the people they live with, could lead to more hostility, deepening the estrangement,” Soholt added.

Give them space

As excruciating as it may be to not have contact with your child, the therapist urges estranged parents to be guided by their child’s wishes. 

“Repeated rejection can add more pain and suffering for all parties involved,” added Soholt.

“While a need for contact is a natural and normal impulse, rooted in love and longing for connection, showing respect and empathy for your child’s wishes will be more helpful in the long term.”

And if you’re going through something similar, it’s worth checking out organisations such as PEAK and Stand Alone who specialise in supporting estranged families.

“Finding a community who share your experiences, who can offer validation and empathy, could be crucial in navigating the complexities of estrangement,” the therapist ended.