Are You An 'Air Traffic Controller' Parent? Expert Shares Why It Might Help Build Teen Resilience

We’re all pretty familiar with the term ‘helicopter parent’, defined as someone who’s closely involved in their child’s life but in an over-controlling way.

According to Verywell Family, there are some positives to helicopter parenting – you’re more likely to know where your kids are and how they’re doing at school, meaning if they start to struggle, you can offer support.

But studies have found that over-controlling parenting can impact children’s development – and not in a good way. Dr Jenna Vyas-Lee, clinical psychologist and co-founder of mental health clinic Kove, is also a firm believer that this parenting style is fuelling problems with children’s resilience.

She previously told HuffPost UK: “It’s about building up a tolerance for the things being hard or difficult – if you never fall, or if every time someone catches you, where is the resilience building?”

Resilience – or the ability to cope when something difficult or bad has happened – is one of those things that we know is important for our kids to learn and build on throughout their lifetimes.

With one in five young people (aged 8-25 years old) in England thought to have a mental health disorder, and a health service that’s struggling to cope with demand, a lot of talk has shifted to boosting children’s resilience as a solution.

While it’s not exactly some magical cure, experts believe that encouraging better resilience in children and young people would help equip those with low-level mental health problems with improved coping skills.

Offering an alternative to helicopter parenting, public educator and health coach Dorian Johnson recently recommended ‘air traffic controller parenting’ as a way to help build resilience in children and teens. But what does that even mean?

What is ‘air traffic controller parenting’?

Johnson described this parenting style as being involved, aware and protective when it matters, “but you don’t grab the controls”.

Writing for Parents.com, he said: “Teens don’t need you to fly the plane. They need you nearby when conditions shift so you can help them correct their course.”

With this in mind, he said being an ‘air traffic controller parent’ involves: 

• Trust. This might look like giving teens more freedom as they prove to you they can handle it.
• Observation. Being informed and observant, but without constant, direct supervision.
• Warning signs. Knowing the behaviour changes to look out for that might signal they’re struggling and you need to “check in with the pilot”.
• Emotional safety. Being open and honest in your communication, and letting them know they can come to you when they have a problem and you will support them, without judgment. 
• Regulation. Staying regulated so they can co-regulate when things get tricky. 

What does a counsellor think of this approach?

Counselling Directory member Bella Hird is a fan. “I think this is an excellent metaphor for parenting (or indeed, working with) teens,” she told HuffPost UK.

“For me, trust is one of the most important gifts we can give a teen because in showing that we trust them, we are teaching them to trust themselves.”

The counsellor explained that in her sessions, she is often met with adult clients who lack the ability to trust their capacity to cope, “because they have grown up with an anxious parent who has caused them to second guess themselves”.

“I love the idea that we are trusting the pilot, that we are here to support them to navigate by sharing what we know and observing if there is a need for support, rather than taking the controls and impacting their self-worth,” she said.

“The metaphor also works well because it assumes the teen to be the pilot (or the expert) in their journey (they get to decide the direction of travel, speed etc) and the parent takes the role of a resource to be drawn upon as and when needed.

“The emotional safety and the awareness of co-regulation is so important because if a teen learns that seeking help is a positive experience they will continue to do so in life whenever there is a need for it.”

Other ways to build resilience in children and teens

If you’re interested in helping your teenager build resilience, psychologist Dr Lisa Damour shared three tips with Unicef on how to do just that:

1. Encourage problem solving. This means resist the urge to jump in and fix everything when things hit the fan. Dr Damour recommends guiding them, instead, by asking questions like “what do you think you could try?” or “what have you done before?”

2. Teach them how to cope with disappointment. This can mean helping them to acknowledge disappointment instead of ignoring it. “Teach them to express their feelings. Reflect on what they can learn from the experience and then focus on what’s next,” suggested the psychologist. 

3. Protect the building blocks of resilience. Lastly, Dr Damour pointed to all the important life habits we depend on to stay healthy – eating well, getting enough sleep, keeping active and nurturing relationships, all of which “make it possible for teens to bounce back from setbacks”.

Help and support:

• Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
• Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
• CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
• The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
• Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.