9 Signs Of Emotionally Immature Parents – And What To Do If This Resonates

We often hear of how today’s parents are cycle-breakers – choosing to bring up their kids in completely different ways to how they were parented, often to prevent patterns of trauma from repeating. 

In fact, a recent Kiddie Academy survey of 2,000 parents revealed 41% of Gen Z parents are favouring “cycle-breaking” parenting.

As this conversation grows in popularity, terms are becoming popularised describing certain ways of parenting that can impact children far into adulthood – and one of these is ‘emotionally immature parenting’. 

What is an emotionally immature parent?

“An emotionally immature parent is someone whose emotional awareness and capacity are limited in the parent-child relationship,” says Sian Morgan-Crossley, psychotherapist and author of How to Heal From Emotionally Immature Parents (Hay House, £14.99).

Emotionally immature parents might struggle in areas such as self-reflection, emotional regulation, and empathy under stress. “Many are practically supportive and physically present; but emotionally absent. The difficulty lies less in intention and more in emotional capacity,” she explains.

An emotionally immature parent, then, might struggle to deal with their child’s anger, distress, rejection, or growing independence. “When challenged, they may become defensive, take their child’s behaviour personally, or expect their child to adjust to their moods,” says the therapist.

“Because accountability can feel threatening, conflict often leads to withdrawal, criticism, denial, or blaming rather than to repair.”

These parents might also find it difficult to see their child as a separate individual and so “the parents’ own unresolved needs, sensitivities, or insecurities shape the emotional climate of the relationship”.

The impact of growing up with an emotionally immature parent

Counselling Directory member and psychotherapist Lianne Terry says children who grow up with an emotionally immature parent might struggle with emotional confusion (“struggling to understand or trust in their own emotions”) because their feelings were dismissed or criticised, or they had to prioritise a parent’s feelings over their own.

“These children may also be hyper-vigilant, so watching people’s moods carefully, trying to avoid conflict and feeling responsible for keeping others calm,” she explains. 

Children can end up becoming their parent’s emotional caretaker; offering comfort, mediation and feeling responsible for adult problems, which can make them seem mature beyond their years. 

“They may however find it very difficult to express their own needs, as this may lead to rejection, criticism or anger, and so they suppress them instead,” says Terry, which she warns can lead to high stress levels and undeveloped emotional regulation skills. 

Once children reach adulthood, they might struggle with people pleasing, chronic self-doubt, fearing disappointing others, difficulties setting boundaries, and prioritising others’ needs over their own.

“They may have difficulty with trusting in their relationships, so being overly independent or conversely anxious about being abandoned,” continues Terry. 

It’s not uncommon for people who grew up with this type of parent to find themselves in repeating relationship patterns, gravitating to emotionally unavailable partners or taking on the caretaker role, too.

They might also find it difficult to identify or express their own emotions.

Signs of emotionally immature parents, according to experts:

• You often feel triggered and overwhelmed by your child’s emotions.
• You take your child’s behaviour personally.
• You need you child to behave a certain way to feel okay.
• You have difficulty regulating your own emotions (Terry notes: “In general, you may find that you shut down, withdraw or explode instead of expressing your feelings constructively”).
• You struggle to repair with your children after conflict or admit when you’re wrong.
• You feel threatened by your child’s independence or criticism of them.
• You avoid difficult emotions – you might say “you’re fine” or “stop being silly”, or feel uncomfortable when they’re sad, angry or anxious.
• You think in a very black and white way, seeing behaviour as “good” or “bad” rather than developmental.
• You struggle with boundaries – either being too rigid or controlling, or being too permissive, because conflict feels too difficult to manage. 

“The key question isn’t: ‘am I emotionally immature?’,” Morgan-Crossley, explains, “but rather, ‘can I stay emotionally present when my child is distressed, angry, or different from me?’ 

“Emotional maturity is not the absence of triggers; it is the ability to take responsibility for them.”

I think I’m an emotionally immature parent – what can I do?

If you recognise some of the above signs in yourself, take a deep breath. The work begins here. Morgan-Crossley suggests the most constructive response is self-reflection and working through your own childhood experiences.

“Taking responsibility for their own emotional responses and finding ways to work through their own childhood issues – whether through therapy, reading or psychoeducation – can all greatly improve their parenting relationship with their child,” she explains. 

Terry says a great first step for parents who identify in this way is to work on developing emotional awareness.

“Learning to identify how you feel is a great foundation. Some things that might help with this include: journalling, emotion wheels, mindfulness or just simply asking yourself ‘What am I feeling right now?’,” she says.

Then, once you recognise your emotions, you can start to regulate them, says the therapist, and the key here is to calm the nervous system. Things that will help with this include: breathing techniques, somatic awareness and pausing before reacting, she says. 

Another key part of navigating emotionally mature relationships is repairing after conflict – so this might look like apologising, acknowledging feelings, admitting when you’re wrong, and reconnecting with your child. 

“Therapy can be really helpful in allowing individuals to process childhood experience, understand triggers and build healthier relationship patterns,” Terry ends.