Here's What Happened On "Married At First Sight" Because You Probably Didn't Watch Every Episode But I Did
Honestly guys, I’m emotionally exhausted.
Hi there. Didn't watch every episode of Married At First Sight this week? Wow ok, chill out on bragging about your social life.
Lucky for you, I don't have one, so here's what went down from Sunday through to Wednesday.
Nine Network
Sunday: Two weddings, my funeral, and one runaway bride.
ICYMI Sunday's episode kept advertising the notorious runaway bride, with the promo bride even wearing a convenient pair of joggers. Of course they didn't show WHO the runaway bride was until the very last scene, so let's rehash the weddings.
John and Debbie were paired together because the psychologists thought they were "perfect" for each other, whereas I saw it for what it was... they worked because they were the only middle-aged ones left. Debbie for some unknown reason was convinced she was marrying a Polynesian guy, so had some Polynesian men carry her down the aisle to a bewildered John, who is basically the whitest guy alive. Debbie was fucking shook that John was not Polynesian, and you could see that behind her zen-like, potentially Valium-induced demeanor she was trying to remember how to take deep breaths.
At the reception, some Polynesian dancers came in while Debbie proudly looked at them and said, "now that's what I call culture". Debbie. What in the fresh hell are you on? And can you share it with me?
Ok, I'm not going to clickbait you for a solid hour like Channel 9 did to me. The next wedding featured Lauren, aka the runaway bride. Except after the initial stress of the ceremony, Lauren and her groom Andrew seemed to be having a pretty damn good time. He even serenaded her! He was fine when she said she had a kid! They shoved cake into each other's mouths and kind of kissed! They both looked absolutely wasted by the end and were leaning on each other for support! Romance!
We find out at the end of the episode that Lauren disappeared the next morning... one minute they were outside together, the next second Andrew turned around and she was gone, only leaving her suitcase, makeup, and literally everything else behind her. But more on that later.
Nine Network
Monday: It's a twin thing.
The two most-hyped episodes so far have been the runaway bride and the twins getting married... not to the same guy. We checked in quickly with Andrew who was sitting forlornly on his bed, texting things like "where r u? call me? Reply to my Snapchat? It's not a dick pic I swear," to Lauren. But then it was all about the twins, Sharon and Michelle.
One twin was labelled a "party girl" while the other one... was just the other twin, I guess. No, this isn't a plot from Sweet Valley High unfortunately, though god it sure sounds like one.
Elizabet- wait sorry, Sharon, is matched with Nick, a self-confessed bogan. "I love being a bogan aye, don't find it insulting at all champ, just wanna find a sheila, settle down, live on a farm, yeah few kids, few sheep, yeah pretty good." While that may not be word for word, that's basically Nick in a nutshell. Sharon was fucking rapt, may I add.
Michelle, on the other hand, was partnered with Jesse and seemed less than impressed. The main reason? HIS HEIGHT. The short guys are really taking some self-esteem hits this season and part of me is starting to think the psychologists keep setting up tall girls with the short guys just to fuck with everyone. Jesse works in the "family business" aka a fruit shop, and loves a bit of a flirt. Except for when he meets Michelle and can barely string a coherent sentence together, and looks like a kid who's experiencing his first crush. "Michelle, Michelle, watch me kick the footy! Hey Mich, did you see my sweet backflip into the pool? Mich? Mich?????"
Fast-fowarding to the reception, Michelle was about to lose her fucking mind because she hadn't talked to Sharon all day (and let's be real, is probably jealous of Sharon's instant bond with Nick). Finally, they talked it out in a loo, and Michelle realised she probably should give Jesse a chance. In return he gave her a necklace which his mum helped pick out.
Prediction: There's some ~cheating drama~ coming up with Sharon and Nick – he hates cheaters and she has cheated. If they get past this bump, they may be in for a good shot. Jesse and Michelle? It's looking like a no from me.
Nine Network
It's honeymoon time! The couples jetted off to a range of locations; the only one worth mentioning is John and Debbie are going to Samoa, because the producers are hilariously evil. I'm already predicting that John will come home alone while Debbie is desperately chasing after a Samoan guy 20 years her junior, screaming, "COME BACK POLYNESIAN!"
So do you guys happen to remember the other couples that got married last week? Neither. So let's break down the first episode of honeymoons briefly.