Vaguely threatening Final Fantasy 14 KFC crossover confirms the Colonel's canon job, and I'm scared for the local chocobo population

Looks like we're getting another foodie crossover in Final Fantasy 14. Yesterday, the Twitter/X account for KFC Japan posted a short, ominous video of the Colonel overlooking the cliffs of La Noscea with the caption (courtesy of Google translate): "Colonel Sanders is steadily preparing for a new adventure in another world…"

Listen, I know Mr. Sanders is probably meant to be framed as a hopeful adventurer looking out upon a vast and noble sea. But a slow, jump-cut zoom on his pristine white hair followed by a cyberpunk-worthy glitch effect leads into an unpunctuated "Coming Soon": stark white on a pitch black void. I'm not sure I'm feeling the finger-lickin' comfort here.

This is made worse by the confirmation that Colonel Sanders is a Black Mage. As some kind of horror-movie stinger, he pulls out a gnarled staff and uses Triplecast, an ability that lets Black Mages instantly cast three of their destructive spells in devastating succession.

This also puts Colonel Sanders' minimum level at 66, making him capable of using Blizzard IV, Fire IV, and Thunder IV. Twelve save us if he's max level—I don't want to live in fear of a fast food mascot who can cast Despair. If he's got seven party members with him, he'd also be able to use the Black Mage's limit break, Meteor, which does exactly what it sounds like. A little overkill for frying Chocobos with 11 herbs and spices.

In case you're unfamiliar with the game, this kind of crossover happens more often than you'd expect—back in 2021, Square Enix officially partnered with Grubhub, allowing players to unlock a pizza emote by ordering its real-world equivalent. There was also a partnership with Butterfinger which gave players a cute chocolate mount.

KFC's also made an impact on the MMO before. In 2019, Chinese players were able to unlock a 'Fat Chocobo' mount by scarfing down a whole family meal for four—something exclusive to dine-in, so the staff could make sure you'd paid your proper tribute to the Colonel. Only those with iron wills and steel guts were eligible to receive his nightmare steed.

Until further details are released, it's uncertain what form the cross-promotion will take. It could very well be a Japan-exclusive deal, or something available to all players. We could get a bespoke popcorn chicken emote, a mount recolour, or—as a Shadowbringers promotion back in 2019 offered—some basic food items. Nothing will distract me, however, from the knowledge that Colonel Sanders officially has the powers of rime and ruin at his command.