This Common Bedtime Habit Might Be Killing Your Relationship

The bed is a sacred space. A place where you sleep, where the proverbial magic happens (we’re always thinking of you, “MTV Cribs”) and where you languidly bed rot for most of the weekend. It should not be a place where you and your partner ignore each other in favour of staring at your phones. 

If you’ve done this, experts say you’re “parallel scrolling.”

Parallel scrolling is like “phubbing,” a term that got quite a bit of coverage from publications (including this one) a few years ago. Phubbing, a combination of the words phone and snubbing, is when someone is ignoring you and paying more attention to their mobile device. With parallel scrolling, you’re phubbing each other — and clearly, it’s not as sexy as it sounds.

Phubbing and parallel scrolling are pernicious problems for many couples. In a 2017 Baylor University study of 143 people in romantic relationships, 70% of participants said that cell phones “sometimes,” “often,” “very often” or “all the time” interfered in their interactions with their partners. 

Tracy Ross, a couples and family therapist in New York City, said it’s hard to think of a couple who doesn’t consider their phones an unwanted third party in their relationship. 

“Many of the couples I work with complain that their partner is constantly on their phone, distracted, and that it’s hard to get their attention,” she said. “While the need to unwind at the end of the day is completely understandable, it’s hard to deny the damage it can do to a relationship.”

Being on your phone is putting focus and energy elsewhere, and for many busy couples, there are so few times to connect without distractions. Bedtime is one of them, so this is a squandered opportunity, Ross said.

“Parallel scrolling ― or just generally being on your phone ― prevents the sharing of experiences, feelings and worries, creating more separateness, which is the opposite of connection,” she said. 

It can’t be great for your sex life, either. Swiping through TikTok videos and reading flame wars on other social media platforms can be aphrodisiac killers. 

“You’re basically decreasing the chances of intimacy and affection, or just generally engaging with your partner,” Ross said. “Connection is critical for a strong relationship — and it needs to happen regularly, without fail, for a couple to thrive.” 

Of course, if the connection, intimacy and warmth in the relationship are strong, parallel scrolling at the end of the day isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you’re on steady footing, it’s not going to make or break your relationship, said Aimee Hartstein, a psychotherapist in New York City. 

“Like it or not, our phones are here to stay, and it’s an unusual couple who will put them away for the entire night,” she told HuffPost. “It’s a way people get their news, talk to friends and are entertained. If a couple is happy in the relationship, it’s probably not a problem.” 

But even relatively happy, satisfied couples say that work-life balance can be a struggle, and it never hurts to be more cognisant of your relationship with your phone. For couples who do want to curtail or stop parallel scrolling in bed, Hartstein and other experts have advice. 

Establish some casual rules around phone use.

Given all the hours we spend on our phones, we’d all benefit from a little bit of distance here and there. Going “do not disturb” for a small segment of time might be just what you need. (Those Tesla Cybertruck and Mark Zuckerberg beard memes will always be there when you return.)

“Something that has helped my partner and I break our attachment to our phones is implementing a no-phone rule when eating dinner, while on dates and when we’re in the car, regardless of who’s driving,” said relationship coach Fabiola Wong.

You could also try going without your phone for one night during the weekdays or on the weekends, Hartstein suggested. 

“It can be a little disconcerting at first, but it can definitely lead to more connecting and enjoying one another,” she said. 

Get curious about your bedtime habits together. 

If you get into bed around the same time and find yourselves scrolling next to each other but not engaging, pause, take stock and point it out — not in an accusatory way, but in a curious, playful way, Ross said.

“Casually ask, ‘Do we want to keep scrolling?’” she said. “Maybe we can find something to do together? And maybe we can put the phones down for a while.”

Ask yourself if you’re using the phone to avoid your partner. 

If you’re constantly on your phone at bedtime, give some thought to why that might be and if it has anything to do with your partner. 

“Ask yourself if you are using the phone to avoid your partner — and if so, what could that be about?” Ross said. “Habits tend to stick, and unless we actively try to change them, they persevere.”  

Hartstein also thinks complaints about parallel scrolling are often about other things, noting how a lot of people immerse themselves in their phones as a way to avoid deeper issues.

“If a couple is distant or angry with each other, one or both will accuse the other of being on their phones all the time,” she said. “That may be the case, but it usually means that there are deeper issues as well. Putting down the phones and spending time talking to each other will likely uncover what else is going on.”

Replace parallel scrolling with ‘parallel play.’ 

“Parallel play” generally refers to how young kids play independently alongside each other, but in recent years, there’s been a lot of talk about how couples and friends can benefit from it, too.

The key to parallel play is to not completely ignore each other, like you might be doing if you’re parallel scrolling. Embrace parallel play with your phone use by engaging your partner with whatever you’re looking at. Yes, even that stupid meme you know he’s not going to get or that “Total War: Warhammer” streamer video you think she’s not going to be interested in.

“People often do better scrolling in bed at night when they are sharing what they are doing,” Hartstein said. “If you read each other bits from the news or show each other funny pet memes, then you’re still scrolling but also connecting to one another. That’s the goal.”