Hate New Year's Eve? Here's how to get through it unscathed

Driven to the edge by a classroom full of recalcitrant teenagers, my old maths teacher ended one lesson in total exasperation. "I've taught you everything I know," he exclaimed. "And now you know nothing!" I knew what he was getting at, and his words are echoing in my head as I write this column in which I'm going to tell you everything I know about New Year's Eve – lessons that have been learned the hard way through years of experience. I don't, however, expect you to remember any of it once you put your dancing shoes on.