Carolyn Hax: I want to ask about his kid with his new boyfriend

DEAR CAROLYN: Is there anything to be gained from talking to an ex who said he never wanted children, and absolutely refused to have them, about why he changed his mind? We dated for several years and split over this. I wanted children and, as we are both men, it would have required full buy-in by both of us. He said he did not see that happening.

I’ve moved on and am dating someone with whom I plan to adopt. Meanwhile, I learned that he and his partner have a child — born by surrogate, probably biologically linked to one of them. I feel this renders unresolved a long chapter in my life.

I want to talk to him about it, and I have the distance and access to have a healthy conversation. Yet I’m not sure I want to hear that it wasn’t parenthood he wasn’t keen on, it was parenthood WITH ME. Is this fair to pursue?

Anything to Gain?

But your letter isn’t about fairness anywhere but the end.

What it’s about everywhere else is what you have, or don’t have, to gain.

I have an answer to that, too: You already know enough to put this to rest without even having to ask.

People don’t work as fixed quantities. You are still you, but you’re different now from the man your ex dated. Your ex is different from the man you dated then. This is true with the passage of time alone, but in that time you also presumably experienced new things, learned new things, came to a better understanding of yourself and the world around you.

A person at X years old can have a visceral panic response to the idea of kids, and at X-plus-5 be interviewing potential surrogates.

It also matters that you’re now with different people, which affects your view of yourself and the world. At least I hope it does; how dreary otherwise, to be dating someone who adds nothing new, stirs no new feelings, brings out no new or more interesting sides of yourself. A healthy relationship will keep your essential character intact, yes — if you’re routinely subsumed by your partners, then that’s problematic at the other extreme — but it will also broaden your views, itinerary, empathy.

In combination, couples create what you can almost treat as a separate entity, too — a joint self or persona. Some couples are better people together than they are separately. But I’m sure you’ve also seen two people bring out each other’s worst. Jealousy, anxiety, possessiveness, competition, other signs they’re an ill-suited pair.

With you and your ex, it could easily have been more subtle — where you’re both decent people who got along well enough, but the version of you two in combination was one that didn’t say to him, “Yes, children belong in this home.” His could have been a great instinct that said nothing bad about you as a man, a mate, or a potential dad, beyond his sense that you and he didn’t quite fit.

Is that enough? Isn’t it? Otherwise, OK, decide what you have to gain and then ask away.

Last thing. I see what you’re saying, but, every couple needs full buy-in — if not by laws of nature, then by laws of decency, please.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.