Carolyn Hax: She picks disgusting restaurants and won’t let us say no
"I often tell them I have work to do -- I don't -- because I don't want to offend them."
DEAR CAROLYN: A group of us moms has been friends since our sons, now 30, were young. We moms still get together, but it’s tough because of “Cyndi.” She only wants to go out for lunch at terrible restaurants she chooses; her picks have no healthy choices, bad service, and are sometimes dirty.
We feel sorry for Cyndi because her husband died when our kids were in high school, and her son coped with drug abuse. Despite interventions, he remains addicted, can’t keep a job, and disappears for months.
We suggest inexpensive, healthy alternatives, taking turns choosing, but Cyndi refuses. Some of us work, so a group lunch out takes effort. She doesn’t have money issues. We went without her once, and she was crushed.
After lunch yesterday, I got sick from the greasy food (again!). We feel like she’s taking advantage. Help!
Nauseous
DEAR NAUSEOUS: That’s because she is taking advantage — of your pity-based unwillingness to say no.
Whoever’s turn it is picks a restaurant, and that’s where you go. No debate. Including when it’s Cyndi’s turn. If Cyndi opts out of others’ choices, then that’s on her.
It has nothing to do with grease or guilt. There’s no drama in a cheerfully unyielding, take-or-leave-it, rotating system of date, restaurant, time — which you introduce as a way to cut the planning workload, and support for which you obtain from the rest in advance.
DEAR CAROLYN: I recently started working longer hours and it gets exhausting. I used to hang out with my friends — who are very dear to me — every day after work, but now I’m too tired to stay up late like before. They are aware my hours changed but they continue to call, text, and even come by my house.
I often tell them I have more work to do — I don’t — because I don’t want to offend them by telling them I would rather watch “The Office” and go to bed than hang out with them.
Is my lying and laziness justified, or should I just get over myself and go with them?
Lazy Liar
DEAR LAZY LIAR: The laziness is so justified that it’s not even laziness. It’s called fatigue, and it deserves respect.
Your “very dear” friends deserve respect, too, so go out or don’t go out — whatever you need to do — but either way, stop lying to them! Please.
“Sorry, I prefer reruns to your company,” is hardly the only way to deliver an honest “no.”
Just have a general, ground-laying conversation where you make it clear you value them, miss them, but on workdays have no energy left to see them. Then echo that language to respond to specific invitations (“Sorry, wiped out”). Consistency is a stealth defense against hard feelings.
You can give the people who drop by the same I’m-wiped-out answer, or you can invite them in for short visits. Rest is essential but letting friendships languish is a health risk of a different sort, so there is an argument for the occasional “get over myself” rally. Just make sure you’re good at drawing and holding lines on when it’s time to get your sleep. “Everybody out, bedtime,” has its charms.
You could also turn! off! your! phone! since everyone should be doing that anyway. But that’s a rant for another day.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com. (c) 2019, Washington Post Writers Group