Miss Manners: Who was rude, me or this woman on phone in coffeehouse?

After my passive-aggressive glances, she snapped at me and left in a huff.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A woman sat behind me at a coffeehouse, put her headphones on, and started up a very personal conversation via phone. I was working on my computer, so I had my own headphones on. However, I could not turn up the music loud enough (and at a tolerable enough level for my ears) to drown her out.

I shot a couple of glances behind me (I know, ridiculously passive-aggressive), and, after the second one, she said loudly, “Hang on a minute,” then directed her attention to me and asked, “Is it all right that I am on the phone?” I turned and said, “Well, it’s a bit loud.”

She snapped back (loudly), “I am NOT loud!” I replied, “OK,” and turned around.

She ended up gathering up her stuff in a huff and leaving.

I was left to wonder if I am the rude one by thinking it’s quite rude to hold loud phone conversations in spaces like coffeehouses and restaurants. With more and more people working remotely, I have encountered this more frequently.

I’ve had people say to me, “How is it any different than two people sitting next to you and having a conversation?” It just is. No matter who you are, you speak in a louder voice when talking on the phone (especially in a noisy coffeehouse) than you do just chatting with a friend at your table. And there are now several studies that show that hearing one side of a conversation causes more distraction and less ability to remember things than hearing a two-sided conversation, apparently because your mind is rushing to fill in the other, unheard side of the conversation.

If I have to take a quick phone call while in a coffeehouse or similar space, I step away briefly. If the call is going to be longer, I pack up my stuff and head to my car.

Perhaps I am overly conscious of my fellow coffee drinkers or diners, but this seems like the most considerate thing to do.

So, is it rude to hold a long phone conversation or conference call in a busy place of business? And, if Miss Manners does deem it rude, what is the best way to handle it in the future? I really doubt that my passive-aggressive glances are the right approach.

GENTLE READER: Working in coffee shops rather than at home or in offices has indeed become more prevalent. However, the expectation that they should therefore maintain a library level of silence is not reasonable. It is still a public place.

Your letter implies that you recognize this distinction, but Miss Manners feels compelled to emphasize it. It is therefore the volume and subject matter of these calls that is being questioned — not the right to make them — and that is more difficult to police politely.

Your best tactic is to show concern for the caller: “This call feels personal and I am sure that you don’t wish others to eavesdrop. I wonder if you would be safer taking it outside.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.