Ask Amy: She forbids us to discard these gifts from dumpsters
Plus: I'm confused when you use 'they' for one person.
DEAR AMY: My in-laws are self-professed hoarders. They love showering us with thrift store, garage sale and dumpster finds every month or two when they visit.
Whenever they give us something, they make sure to remind us that we’re not allowed to get rid of the items except to return it back to them.
We did try giving some items back to them one time and were met with a hostile outburst. They cut their visit short after making it clear how offended they were. Since then they’ve continued bringing stuff just as before, and I’ve been too scared to refuse.
Our small home is overwhelmed with all these undesirable “gifts.” I am starting to feel like they’re using our house to hoard items because their own home is now uninhabitable, due to hoarding.
My husband has had countless talks with them. Things will improve for a time and then go right back being a problem. How do you suggest we proceed from here?
At this point I’m secretly getting rid of things and praying that my mother-in-law doesn’t notice the next time she visits. Sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn’t. How do we get our home back?
Desperate
DEAR DESPERATE: Hoarding Disorder is a relatively rare but serious mental illness.
People who have this disorder sometimes spread their possessions into other dwellings, such as storage sheds or rental properties, when they run out of space in their own home.
I think you are correct in your assessment of what is going on with your in-laws: they are bringing their disorder into your household.
Your in-laws are responding in a way that is typical for people who hoard: the idea of discarding anything causes them extreme anxiety, anger, and overall distress.
They are professed hoarders, which means they have a little bit of insight into what’s going on. But imagine if your loved ones were addicts, and insisted on using in your living room? The most loving thing to do would be for you to keep their addiction out of your house, while urging them to get help. Otherwise, you are enabling them, and contributing to their problem.
You and your husband MUST lovingly lay down the law: Do not bring anything to our house. We cannot take in any more possessions.
If they bring things to your house, you will calmly load these items into a vehicle and take them directly to the nearest donation center.
Yes, your in-laws will rail, rage, and perhaps retaliate. This is their disorder and anxiety talking. Be calm, loving, and consistent in your response. Urge them to accept help for their hoarding disorder.
You and your husband could receive some valuable coaching on boundary-setting by participating in online support groups, or by seeing a counselor.
DEAR AMY: I’m a big fan of your work and I read your column almost every day.
I have recently noticed that when you don’t know the gender of a person you mention, you have started referring to that singular person using the plural pronoun “they.”
One of the reasons I like your column is that you write so clearly, but I can find myself getting confused about who “they” are.
I didn’t just crawl out from under a rock, so I do know that there are many people who prefer to be referred to with a plural pronoun. But surely there are just as many of us, and perhaps more, who don’t want to be referred to in the plural.
I would love to learn your rationale for switching to the use of “they.”
A Finger Lakes Fan
DEAR FAN: Even though you say you prefer a singular gender pronoun, you don’t make mention of your own gender, so instead of assigning a gender to you or supplying “she/he,” I would also refer to you using the epicene “they” in my answer.
If people refer to their own gender, I don’t use “they,” but use the gender pronoun they supply.
This use of the plural “they” referring to single individuals is new-ish (for me), but it is standard. I trust you’ll get used to it.
DEAR AMY: “Waiting to Reunite in NJ” described trying to reunite with an alcoholic parent. Your description of having “awkward highway exit diner lunches where nobody really knows what to say” brought tears to my eyes.
How/why did you land on this particular imagery?
Reader
DEAR READER: I’ve been there, done that, and eaten the patty melt.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.