Miss Manners: This employee said I was rude to her, but she started it

Plus: I want to bring my own chopsticks. My wife says that would be gauche.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While visiting a prestigious veterinary clinic for a consultation with my beloved dog’s oncologist, the technician who did the intake brought out her cellphone.

I found this offensive and said, “Excuse me, do I have your full attention?” The technician immediately said something along the lines of if I was going to be rude or confrontational, she would leave right then and there.

I was stunned, because I thought my question was very polite in the context of a medical consultation during which she decided to use her cellphone. (She said she took it out to change the settings so we would not be bothered, which should have been done before she entered the room.)

I feel that it is extremely rude to do so while in consultation with a client and, further, that the rebuke I received in return was completely inappropriate and unprofessional. In retrospect, I wish I had said something like, “I was very polite, and would prefer to speak with someone else, thank you,” and left.

GENTLE READER: As you may unfortunately find yourself in a similar situation in the future, Miss Manners can suggest some refinements that may result in a better outcome.

Wording is important, and it would have been less confrontational to say that you would be happy to wait until the technician is ready. But delivery is everything. Hauteur and sarcasm — if lightly, very lightly, applied — are useful, while aggression and anger will elicit the reaction you received.

Imagine that a neutral third party is in the room, and that your goal is to convince that person that you are not returning rudeness for rudeness. If you can do this, you will not need to ask for a different technician, as the one provided will be embarrassed instead of angry.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I love East Asian food and are completely comfortable with chopsticks. We understand that bamboo chopsticks come from a renewable resource, although using them one time in a restaurant and then sending them to the landfill seems wasteful.

My main problem is that some restaurants provide chopsticks that apparently have been used before, though rewrapped.

They do not always appear to have been thoroughly washed. I don’t bother to use recycled, untreated wooden chopsticks, and I request metal flatware instead.

We own several sets of chopsticks, including one set with two pairs held in a slender, unostentatious teak box. I would much prefer to take them with us to restaurants we patronize, for the reasons I’ve mentioned, but my wife refuses, insisting that doing so would be gauche. I will accept your opinion as decisive.

GENTLE READER: Dining out is an act of faith, not only that the flatware will be clean, but also that the fish has not been sitting on the counter since last Tuesday.

Miss Manners does not allow you to bring your own utensils, particularly since you have an acceptable alternative (asking for flatware).

If this seems harsh, she encourages you to consider that if the proprietors of the restaurant use soiled chopsticks, you might wish to change venues out of a reasonable concern about their less visible sanitary choices.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.