Miss Manners: Awkward lunch can be fixed with a breadstick

If she tries to beg off, her co-workers pay the price.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Due to health issues, my husband and I drastically changed our diet, with amazing results. We cook our own meals and avoid eating out, because, when we do, we end up with stomach issues.

I work with a great team at my job, and our management likes to reward us with lunch often. I have tried to politely decline, explaining my limited diet, but encourage them to take the rest of my teammates out. This usually ends awkwardly, and often management decides not to do the lunch at all.

How can I express to management that I am grateful they appreciate my work, but do not want to eat out — without it costing my co-workers?

GENTLE READER: Employers who routinely stomp over the line between the professional and personal lives of their employees are a menace.

But Miss Manners notes that your problem would still exist in a purely personal context: Most cultures recognize sharing a meal as a social affirmation — and therefore the refusal to do so as a potential insult.

So let us find a solution that does not leave a bad taste in your mouth, and perhaps worse symptoms later.

The simplest is to attend but be selective about your food consumption. If there is nothing edible for you, perhaps break a breadstick and leave it on your plate, while drinking lots of water. If this attracts attention, smile, say how wonderful everything looks, but that you simply don’t feel like eating. Full disclosure is not always the virtue it pretends to be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m in my mid-20s and in grad school, and money is tight. Last month, I was invited to two weddings; one I attended, and the other I declined.

I gave gifts for both weddings, and instead of picking items off their registries, I chose another option they had offered: giving cash electronically through well-known wedding registry services.

I gave $100 to each couple. I realize that is a small wedding gift, but my income barely covers my cost of living. For me, spending an extra $200 in one month is a lot.

It is now more than a month after both weddings, and I have not received thank-you notes from either wedding party. I’m a little bit miffed — mostly because of the impact my gifts had on me for that month.

I’m left wondering: Was it the amount I gave? Is $100 too little? Do e-gifts get treated differently than physical gifts? Or are wedding thank-you cards just a thing of the past?

I’m just a little surprised, because if it were my wedding, my mother wouldn’t let me get away with not sending thank-you notes for all gifts, no matter how small.

GENTLE READER: She would also not, Miss Manners hopes, let you give cash in lieu of something more thoughtful. When she (or Miss Manners) says, “The cost does not matter,” what she means is: The cost does not matter. An inexpensive thoughtful gift is as valuable as an expensive thoughtful gift, and both require acknowledgment.

And, if you are concerned that your friends are rude because they believe you are cheap, a non-monetary gift is harder for them to price.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.