Miss Manners: Does it look like I’m trying to one-up the bereaved?

I've taken to wearing purple at funerals.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught that when attending a funeral, one should wear black. However, when paying my respects, I’ve noticed that family members often are not in black, and some are dressed quite casually.

My wearing black then seems (to me) to give the appearance that I’m closer to the deceased than is the case. I’ve begun wearing a dark (not-black) color such as brown, gray or purple, and leaving black to the family members.

What are your thoughts? Should I wear black, or continue with a dark color?

GENTLE READER: Your intention, Miss Manners believes, is good: to honor the dead by considering the feelings of those closer to them than yourself.

But making up your own manners is not the way to do this. You do not know why the principal mourners are more casually dressed; perhaps they are so distraught they simply did not notice. By wearing black yourself, you demonstrate respect for the dead, and you reaffirm the existence of a wider social contract.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a student living with an elderly lady who loves to cook. Although I appreciate her caring enough to provide me with delicious home-cooked meals, she gives me much more food than I can manage to eat.

I have tried to politely decline her food at times, or convey to her that I have other plans for lunch or dinner, but she assumes that I will “get hungry later” and eat her food. When I don’t end up eating it, she chastises me and asks me what she will do with it now, as though it is my fault she made me food without asking me (and sometimes, despite me telling her that I have already eaten/have plans).

What is a kind way to tell her to stop interfering in my meals? I understand that it is from kindness that she is looking out for me, but she tends to buy and cook more food than the two of us can consume, and expects me to deal with it.

I cannot continue eating food when I am full or have already eaten. What can I do?

GENTLE READER: Develop an enthusiasm for leftovers, as in, “This looks wonderful. Thank you so much. As you know, I’ve already ordered food, but it will make a wonderful lunch tomorrow.”

Miss Manners does not therefore suggest that you actually have to eat the proffered food, only that, having failed to persuade her not to prepare it, you need a way to get out of her line of sight before disposing of it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A married couple has two last names: Joe Smith married Mary Jones. Mary kept her maiden name, and has used it for all social and business matters for 40 years.

How to style her name in an obit? The couple are survivors of Joe Smith’s mother.

GENTLE READER: Neither marriage nor death justifies quibbling about a lady’s choice of surname. Ms. Jones may be identified as the daughter-in-law of the late Ms. Smith — or whatever that lady’s name was in life; Miss Manners does not want to presume.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.