Miss Manners: My friend thinks I’m in denial and insists I spill my pain

How can I get this amateur psychologist to butt out?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My older sister was a deeply troubled person with a violent temper.

When I was too little to fight back, she bullied and abused me mercilessly. As I grew up, I came to understand that she had mental health issues of some sort, and I felt sorry for her.

I tried many times to encourage her to seek help for her own sake, but I also saw that I had to protect myself and my loved ones.

When I found out, through necessary legal paperwork, that she had passed away, the only thing I could feel was a sense of relief. I would not have to deal with the fallout from her outrageous, ugly behavior again, and hopefully she is at peace.

I had a visitor on the day the court paperwork arrived, and, curious about what I could possibly be receiving from an out-of-town attorney, I excused myself for a moment and opened it. Through this visitor, my other friends learned that my sister had passed away.

My attitude has been neutral when I’ve seen these friends: I’ve explained that my sister and I were not close, that I am fine, and I change the subject.

The amateur psychologist of the group has decided that I am not OK, that I am being tortured by complicated grief and that she must draw the pain out of my subconscious so that I can heal.

There is no pain, other than the memories of the harm my sister did to those I love, and I want to leave that in the past where it belongs. How does one tell a truly caring and well-meaning friend to butt out?

GENTLE READER: Trying to convince your amateur friend that you feel no pain will not discourage her, so it is time to make her the sole custodian of a secret: “Thank you for your concern. I took your advice to heart and am speaking to someone about it.”

Her natural assumption — that you are referring to a medical professional, rather than the cat — will give you another advantage. You can then, like rich defendants in high-profile criminal cases, pretend that doctor-patient (or, in their case, lawyer-client) confidentiality prohibits you from speaking about it further.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.