Harriette Cole: Should I say something about my friend’s messy divorce?

I worry that his kids will be affected like I was.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a grown child of divorced parents. The messiness of my parents’ divorce definitely impacted me well into my adulthood.

I’m currently watching my friend go through a divorce. The messiness that he is exposing his children to reminds me a lot of my parents. It’s so hard to watch, and I feel incredibly sad for the children.

Should I say something to my friend about his actions and the potential effects? I know it might not be my place, but I wish someone had intervened for me when my parents were divorcing.

Not My Place

DEAR NOT MY PLACE: What you might do is ask your friend if you can get together to talk. When together, ask for permission to share your story with him.

Rather than casting judgment on what your friend is or isn’t doing, tell him stories of your life. Describe what you remember of your parents’ divorce with as much specificity as you recall. Tell him how you felt about the things you witnessed and how confusing and heartbreaking it has been for you, even now as an adult.

Tell your friend what you think would have been more helpful for you if your parents had it to do all over again. Then acknowledge that while you know his life and divorce are none of your business, you can’t help but see some behaviors that remind you of your family, and you wanted to share the memories that his experience has triggered for you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My White ex-wife keeps buying White Barbie dolls for our half-Black daughter.

I am a Black man who shares an extremely impressionable mixed-race 5-year-old daughter with a White woman. It is rubbing me the wrong way that to my knowledge, every doll that my wife has ever purchased for our daughter has been White. I think it could be potentially damaging to her self-esteem if she doesn’t have dolls that look like her.

Could I be overreacting? How should I handle this?

Buy New Dolls

DEAR BUY NEW DOLLS: Stop blaming your ex-wife for her limited awareness. Though you two are no longer married, you remain your daughter’s father. Step in and start buying your daughter brown-skinned dolls.

Don’t pass judgment on the White dolls that her mother buys her. Just add to her collection with other dolls. Don’t stop there. Bookstores are brimming with books for children that showcase curly hair, round noses and culturally dynamic stories. You can round out your daughter’s experience of her heritage by introducing her to your culture.

As a biracial child, she will learn how to navigate in many environments. Do not berate your ex-wife or shun the ideas, images and cultural nuances that she introduces. Just make sure you are doing your part to expose your daughter to your heritage so that she walks with a full understanding of her identity.

This will be an ongoing job for you throughout her life. Be ready to teach your daughter about race, racism, culture, heritage and tradition.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.