Miss Manners: Can I ignore messages from dead people?
Plus: If your daughter were really eloping, it's unlikely she would tell you.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: So far this year, I have lost five friends, all of whom had social media accounts.
Some of them have surviving loved ones who now post in their memory; some don’t. Either way, the social media site keeps reminding me about their birthdays.
It feels rude to “unfriend” someone who has died, but it also seems wrong to wish them a happy birthday if they have passed away. What to do?
GENTLE READER: Without wading into a debate on the merits of virtual friendship, Miss Manners feels secure in saying that if you are not close enough to certain friends to know if they are alive, you do not need to wish them a happy birthday.
Meanwhile, contacting a friend you had reason to believe was alive, only to discover otherwise, is distressing — but not rude.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite not to answer the door when a stranger knocks?
I answered the door for someone who was likely a scammer; I declined their offer and thanked them for their time. I later related the story to some people who said I should unequivocally never open the door for strangers.
This seems a bit silly to me, as I can think of many scenarios where talking to strangers can be beneficial. (Girl Scout cookies, anyone?) Is there a way to deter solicitors without being off-putting?
GENTLE READER: Solicitors are not easily deterred. Etiquette does not require you to answer the door to a stranger who wants to sell you something.
That some will disagree (perhaps even some who are not peddling merchandise) does not convince Miss Manners she is wrong, it merely causes her to advise against being too obvious about it. That is, hiding under the bed is not required, but disapproving stares from the window are discouraged.
Once you do open the door, you have committed to some minimal interaction: thanking them, then saying that you are not interested while closing the door. Not inviting them in for tea.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter and her fiance are having a planned elopement. Only six people will be in attendance: the bride, the groom and both sets of parents.
The happy couple plan to have a larger celebration next summer, with approximately 75 people.
With that background information, will you please advise if it is appropriate for a friend or relative to host a bridal shower? If yes, who should be invited: all friends and family, or just those who will be invited to the eventual celebration?
GENTLE READER: Your daughter is not eloping. An elopement is when the happy couple secretly flees, usually in the middle of the night and usually to avoid parental objections.
If all the parents are willing to hold the ladder — metaphorically, in the sense of being present — consent is assumed.
Your daughter is having a private ceremony limited to immediate family. This is perfectly proper, as is the celebration she is hosting next summer.
She does not, however, get to plan auxiliary parties in her own honor. Friends who are in on her non-secret get to decide whether to throw showers, bachelorette parties or any of the other modern accoutrements.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.