Harriette Cole: Is this too much to ask of my ex-addict boyfriend?
He might be able to help my brother get sober, but they don't really know each other.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother has been battling substance addiction for a while now. My boyfriend struggled with the same thing for years before I met him, and he is now completely sober, healthy and thriving. I want the same thing for my brother.
The emotional and psychological toll that my brother’s addiction has taken on our family is immeasurable, and I’m always looking for resources to help him.
I was wondering if my current partner could provide some insight into his journey and be a supportive, positive presence for my brother in a way that only those who have lived through similar experiences can truly do. Could this be too big of a request?
My brother and my boyfriend do not have much of a relationship.
Desperate for Help
DEAR DESPERATE FOR HELP: Talk to your boyfriend. Reveal what’s been going on with your brother, and ask your boyfriend if he would be willing to talk to him.
Make it clear that you are not asking him to be your brother’s sponsor or to serve in an ongoing capacity as his sounding board. That would be too much to ask. But it could be enlightening for your brother to see someone who is clean, sober and living a positive life.
Ultimately, though, your brother will heal when he is ready. Often, people have to reach rock bottom before they begin to take their recovery seriously.
For the family, you may want to consider going to Al-Anon meetings for families struggling with drug-addicted relatives. These meetings are designed to support family and loved ones who are affected by this disease. You can go to an in-person or a virtual meeting. Find out more here: al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I made the decision to move abroad alone a few months ago. I know it is the right decision for me right now, considering my circumstances.
Almost everyone in my life is excited for me and fully supports the huge leap I’m taking. The only person who seems to be unhappy with the decision is my best friend.
Ever since I told her about my plans, I feel like she’s been acting differently. Every time we talk about it, she gets more and more distant, and the closer I get to my departure date, the stranger she seems to act.
Could she be angry with me for leaving? How do I talk to her about this?
Moving Away
DEAR MOVING AWAY: Your best friend is sad because you are leaving. That’s normal.
If you two have spent lots of time together up until now, she knows that her life is going to change dramatically when you depart. The difference between your two experiences will be that you will be off on an adventure, seeing new sites, exploring a different culture and meeting new people. She will be where he has always been, but now with a void where you used to be.
It will be hard for her at first, and it probably won’t be as hard for you.
Have some compassion. Tell her you will miss her. Don’t promise to write every day or do anything more than you may be able to do. Just be kind, patient and compassionate.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.